


An Unquenchable Flame

by LucyLightwood



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blood Magic, Darker than the canon DA:I (kind of), Drama & Romance, F/M, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Inquisitor Trevelyan - Freeform, Mages and Templars, Mutual Pining, Sex, Sexual Content, kind of slow burn (but not really), mage inquisitor, some violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-08
Updated: 2018-12-09
Packaged: 2019-01-10 12:25:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 23,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12299217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LucyLightwood/pseuds/LucyLightwood
Summary: Inquisitor Trevelyan knows that whatever it is she feels for Cullen needs to stop. She knows there is no way all of this will end with both of them alive or together. She knows how she feels about Templars, and even thought he says he isn't one... she distrusts him.Nevertheless, when they are together she can feel fire burning from her insides and her mind only thinks about one thing:him.





	1. Chapter 1 - Trevelyan

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I really want to capture a feeling with this story. I don't know if I'll be able to, but we'll see how it goes. I am using my canon Inquisitor, even though this is probably not the canon story I've got for both of them. It will get dark at times (maybe? probably), because there are a lot of things between mages and templars and a lot of old wounds.  
> I hope you'll enjoy!

Chapter 1.

Maybe if last night hadn't happened she could stop thinking about it. Her head ached from all the possibilities, and all of them ended in pain _and_ death. Was she never going to learn? There was no love for her.

_Love_. What a weird concept. Had it been love when her mother and father put her to bed every night? She never saw them again after her magic manifested.  
If that was love she wanted nothing with it.

She tossed around in her bed, way too big and way too luxurious for who she was. Yes, she had been born a noblewoman but magic makes you leave all of that behind. Not that she cared. Being a noblewoman probably meant having to deal with hypocrites all day, and marrying an old man from who-knows-where just because your parents say so. 

The room was barely lit from the wood stove and the shadows could almost be mistaken as demons. Demons like her. 

Her eyes watered and her brain screamed at her self-hate. She wanted to believe the templars hadn't brainwashed her too. She wanted to believe what Solas said, she wanted to believe mages were harmless, that she was harmless. That she would never become an abomination and murder everyone.  
Kate sat up, her eyes burning from holding back tears. She hated crying, it would be better to throw those burning embers right into her face than to allow a moment of weakness. Even in her own room.

_Her own room_. No templars watching over, towering, silent. No more eyes following her every step... 

A weight shifted in her chest because of _him_. A man who was a templar but said he wasn't. Yeah, sure. She knew better than to trust him. And he knew better than to trust her. 

Kate could feel his gaze when she entered a room, and at first she felt flattered. Stupid Inquisitor, stupid. Yes, the Commander was a strong handsome man, but he wasn't interested in her. She noticed that during soldier practice one morning. Cullen was there with his troops, teaching them and she thought it would be nice to join them. Maybe help them learn how to fight mages. 

Cullen was definitely not happy about that. And even though he allowed it, his demeanor showed exactly what he was ready to do if she... if she...  
Why did that hurt so much? 

She knew he was going to be the end of her. Death, possession, tranquility, or something worse. And he was going to be responsible. Again, the flashes of the night before flooded her mind, sending shivers down her spine. She shouldn't have allowed it. But she did. She felt the wind on the tower barely move her hair, and his tall shape towering over her. She saw the way he was looking at her. And yes, now that she thought about it, maybe he was looking like a lion staring down a sheep. Maybe she should have felt scared or attacked, but he had been... so nervous. Her own hand had caressed his cheek, and moved closer until they kissed. 

And yes, a big part of her wanted to blame that to the drinks she had had with Varric before, but that had nothing to do with that kiss.  
Why was she so fucked up? From all the men (and women) around she could have chosen someone nice. Like Solas, or Varric, or Cassandra. Not that any of them would even look her way but still. She could be infatuated with someone nice, someone with no dark past. 

There was nothing to do until morning, but she got up from the bed and grabbed a thick robe. Her bedroom was on top of the Castle and it could get really cold. Kate thought about Cullen, sleeping all alone with that hole over his bed (She knew this because she had seen it from afar, not for... other reasons). And she worried. Why was she worried about someone that had murdered so many of her own? Someone that... may wish to kill her. 

Maybe she was being too fatalistic. He had fought for Haven and seemed truly relieved when she turned up alive. Kate felt she won his respect that night. And that shouldn't matter to her as much as it did. 

Kate stopped in front of her bedroom's door. Where would she go? Everyone was asleep. And the guards would probably be worried if they saw her running around or just... It made no sense to walk around before morning.

She turned around on her heels and moved over to her bed. Way too big, way too soft. 

"Just one minute..." She whispered to herself, closing her eyes and allowing herself one minute to imagine a perfect ending. No, not even an ending. She knew this road would lead to her death so... she allowed herself to think of a middle. Her and Cullen, sharing night and maybe mornings cuddled together. She imagined the scent of his skin on her clothes, following her to the Hinterlands. She sighed with contempt at the idea of templars and mages mending their wounds. For a moments she allowed herself to believe they were _both_ hurt instead of seeing the templars as abusive monsters. "Just one minute" she whispered again, hugging her pillow tight against her chest. 

*

Cullen's eyes were getting tired of reading report after report. Maybe it was time to go to bed. He liked working to exhaustion, that was the only way he could fall asleep quickly and barely feel the effect of lyrium withdrawal through his body. 

But lately it wasn't working. He thought that after kissing her the itch would stop, and things would go back to normal but they didn't. Now it was worse. His lips ached from the kiss and the only thing he wanted was to be next to her.  
Their kiss had been so chaste and simple, it barely seemed from the same woman he watched in the battlefield earlier that day. He had seen the Inquisitor with fire in her eyes, her arms stretched out and lighting flying from her chest... The whole air was electrified when she did that, and his Templar training was almost too strong to bear; he knew she was fighting demons alongside him and that was the one thing keeping him from negating her magic.

She was too powerful.

And he was weak. So weak. So weak without the lyrium. His skin started to itch again, his blood dense and slow through his body. He needed the lyrium, he... 

Cullen moved quickly away from his desk, leaving his chambers and walking through the cold and silent courtyard into the castle. Not even Varric was sitting by the fire, the dwarf was usually the last one to go to bed.  
He looked at the throne, her throne. His heart desired to bend the knee in front of her over and over again, just to see her raise up from that throne and look at him with those fire-y eyes. 

Cold, dark shame washed over him. Maybe that Desire demon had been right all those years ago, maybe he did want to do all those things to Mages. Maybe he was the monster he had fought so much to suppress.  
At first, it had been so easy to hate her. To be angry at her and just... stay far away from her shape. And Trevelyan hated him too, at least back then they understood where they both stood. 

And now? He knew things had changed drastically after Haven. That terrible night he had seen something in her that... no one else had shown him. Leadership, courage, loyalty to a good cause. She had left to die, with her head raised high. 

He remembered seeing her at the Chantry, looking at him moments before leaving to face death. He remembered how many things he had wanted to say in that moment. Things he didn't even know he felt. 

And then he thought she was dead. Gone. 

The Herald, their savior, _dead_. 

Cullen stopped his pacing, realizing he was right outside Trevelyan's bed chamber. He was staring down her wooden door when he heard movement behind it. Shit. If she found him there... What was he going to do? He could dream all he wanted about her, but that didn't mean it was going to happen.  
It shouldn't happen.

They would destroy each other. And he couldn't do harm to her.  
He closed his eyes, unable to leave, but the movement shifted and then... silence. Maybe rats? 

He breathed again, and quickly made way through the inner courtyard to the statue of Andraste they had placed. He needed... he needed guidance. The Maker's bride was surely ashamed of him, and he needed to repent in front of her.

*

"Inquisitor? Inquisitor?"

Kate blinked back into existence, looking towards the soft sweet voice. 

"Yes, Josephine?"

The young lady looked appalled at her lack of manners, shit. Had she noticed why she was so... absent? She was sure Leliana knew. Leliana always knew everything. 

"How do you wish to handle this situation? We could send soldiers or..." 

She had barely slept the night before, and sometimes... some days she wished to be back at her old room in the Circle tower. It wasn't nice, but it had been the only home she knew. 

"No, send your scouts Leliana. Soldiers would draw too much attention and we don't want that. It's far better to-" 

The wooden doors opened and the inquisitor felt her whole skin react at the sound of _his_ boots. He was late. He was never late. She had been so worried when they started without him... And now she was so angry. How dare he make her worry? What was so important to make him miss one meeting? Was he using lyrium again? Was he not okay and not telling her?

She looked at him, frowning.

"Inquisitor!" He almost looked surprised, like a puppy caught off guard. "Apologize. I was praying" 

Leliana shifted in a way that showed she was curious or preoccupied, Kate wasn't sure yet. The young woman was hard to read. 

"Have you been there all morning?" 

Cullen looked annoyed and she could understand that. Leliana knew where everyone was at all times and sometimes she seemed to forget normal people didn't spy on their friends. Or coworkers. Or whatever they all were.

"That's enough of the Commander's personal life" She spoke, surprising everyone by how rough she had sounded. 

"Y-yes, thank you Inquisitor" 

"I didn't do it for you" 

Leliana and Josephine shared a look. Great. What she needed right now was everyone talking and whispering about them. Dorian was going to give her a bad time already. She sighed, knowing she was making everything worse.

"There's a serious lack of iron, Inquisitor" Cullen stated, not looking at her.

"There's plenty in the Hintherlands. Why not send soldiers to gather some?"

"I was... actually hoping to go" 

She frowned at him, that was weird. "Alright, if you can take time off from training our soldiers, go with them"

"This could be an excellent opportunity to see how some of our agents are doing, without raising too much outrage" Leliana chimed in, her voice sweet but her face murderous. How could someone looking so nice and sweet, hide such a dark past? "Cullen could go and bring a report on the refugees too" 

The Inquisitor sighed and nodded, she was... really surprised he was going to go out. He never joined them, with the excuse of work and training. 

"I'll go too" She said, from... somewhere deep inside of her. Josephine and Leliana stared at her.

"Inquisitor, we don't want to raise _that_ much of a..." 

"I said I'll go, Josephine. Cullen can't handle our Agents and I need something from the Hintherlands too" She lied. "We will be back shortly and the site is barely dangerous anymore. We can send smaller parties" No one dared say anything else to her.

The meeting was short after that. Josephine looked incredibly uncomfortable and Kate wanted to say she was sorry. She really was.

Cullen didn't look at her eyes through the whole thing, but the minute it was over his tall frame moved close to her body. The Inquisitor had to look slightly up, finding those two leonine eyes staring right into her soul.

They could never be. Templars repelled magic, and her whole body was magic. And she... she hated templars and everything they symbolized. She despised them so much. She... she couldn't stop staring into his eyes, way too close, all up in his personal space. 

"Inquisitor... Kate... Have I...? Have I done anything to anger you?" 

Yes. Yes he had. He _existed_. He was there with those big eyes and all that body looking like an innocent sheep but she knew he was the wolf. She knew he was going to break her. He was going to take everything that was good and turn it to ash. And she was going to let him, she was going to burn both of them. She was going to take everything he had and crush it, because that's who she was. That's what mages did, right? They took and destroy, just like templars.

Ha, maybe they had something in common after all.

"No, Cullen. I was irritated about Leliana's spying on everyone" Kate closed her eyes and sighed, smelling his leather armor and his skin so... so close. Was it good to go down in flames? 

"Oh. Good" 

Why was he so shy? She knew he wasn't. Not really. Then why was he acting like that? It infuriated her. 

"Did you really spend all morning praying?" 

He backed away, as if reminded of something and shrugged "It took me a long time"

Kate frowned, she wasn't a believer in the Maker or Andraste so she really couldn't understand that. But... considering she had barely slept thinking about those blond curls, she couldn't judge. 

"Very well..." She whispered, walking away from the war table and towards the door. 

He was so quick, he could slain her so quickly. She closed her eyes when he grabbed her arm. If she ever lost control she knew he was going to be right there, but a sword would be right through her chest. 

"Inquisitor... about yesterday..." 

"Cullen" She looked at him "let's talk about it... later." 

He nodded and let go. 

*

Kate waited at the entrance for him, was he always so late for everything? She was getting annoyed from everyone staring at her. Yes, she was going alone with the Commander on a "secret" mission and yes, everyone talked about the kiss they shared and she knew how bad that all sounded. Maker, she wanted to be away from all those looks. 

"Just... No, Dorian" Cullen's voice came from a couple of feet away "Just train them to fight magic. No, nothing about... You are messing with me aren't you?" He sounded actually confused. Fuck, Trevelyan repressed a smile. 

"I'm sorry, dear, I kept him from you too long" Dorian said with his happy tone. They were great friends but right now she wanted to smack him. 

"We have to go now if we want to be back in a couple of days, Dorian." 

He looked at her and then at the Commander "Good luck with this one, I heard she bites... But I guess you'd like that wouldn't you?"

Cullen was red and his face showed exactly how much he would like that. 

"Let's go, Cullen. Dorian, do not murder any of our soldiers. Alright?" 

"Ah, you are no fun Inquisitor" He waved at them. Yup, all of Skyhold was going to talk about this for days.

*

"I could have done it for you, you know"

"mh?" he looked at ease by her side, looking ahead into the woods. They were walking because after a _small_ issue with some giant spiders their horses had run back to the castle. 

"Trained them"

"You are too powerful" It was such a simple comment, and he didn't even look bothered by it. Kate tried to think if he was at least intimidated. She even looked down to where his sword was. His hand was nowhere near it.

"Is that a problem?"

He finally looked at her, confused. Shit. She was ruining it.

He smiled.

Maybe she wasn't fucking this one up.

"Not for me"

Shivers ran through her spine and small sparks of magic prickled her fingertips.

"You sure about that, Commander?"

He smiled in a way that made her knees weak.

"Pretty sure, yes"

"Wish to give me a demonstration?" The Inquisitor quickly moved away from him into a clear space among trees, a smile still on her face. "I guess you got intimidated back at the castle"

He laughed. Actually laughed.

"I didn't want to embarrass you in front of everyone"

She smiled wider, oh, the pretty boy was about to taste her magic. About to taste her.

"I'm not the one that's going to be embarrassed, Commander." She said, raising her hand and making a small gesture for him to move forward.  
He didn't move, smiling, both hands on the hilt of his sword as if she weren't a real threat.

She wasn't going to make that mistake. Quickly Kate took her staff firmly, placing it at the front of her body.

She wasn't sure, but she could swear he chuckled. Alright, maybe she had to be a little bit pissed for this to feel like a real fight and win it. Like she always did. Because she had to.

With her eyes locked on him, she threw her arms to the sides, screaming in relief when the lighting poured out of her. Usually that was enough to stun a target, or at least make them stagger.

When she looked right across Cullen was smirking, his shield had taken the worst of it and he barely looked tired.

The Inquisitor knew he wasn't taking lyrium anymore, and even if templars didn't need it for their powers, they clearly did for their stamina. The same way she sometimes did... Right?

She moved her staff, sending fire his way this time. Flame after flame. One. Two. Three all at once.

The Commander pushed forward with his shield, a vacuum of magic. She could feel her own power diminishing and it was... The worst feeling of them all. For a split second she wondered if magic felt as bad for him.

She screamed in exhilaration and frustration, placing ground fire-mines in front of her just in case he got close enough to completely invalidate her.  
He seemed to react, drawing his sword but still keeping most of his frame hidden behind his Inquisition shield. It didn't have a templar sigil on it, but he carried it all the same.

"What happened, big boy? Can't catch me?" her voice was hoarse as if she had run a couple of miles.

They kept slowly moving, circling each other without really getting any closer. Kate stayed behind her mines, hoping he wouldn't notice them. 

He didn't. 

She was sure the Commander had stared into her eyes too long to check the small glowing light on the grass. 

He tumbled backwards, shielding his face from the flames. This was her moment. She moved forwards quickly, slamming his steel with attack after attack, watching the Commander retreat slowly. He looked drained. She was starting to feel it too. 

Cullen looked at her, almost sorry for what he was going to do and when she was close enough, he did something only templars (and maybe Seekers) did: he blocked her magic, dispelling everything she had cast. 

The Inquisitor felt the air pulled out of her lungs, feet stuck to the ground, hand shivering at her side. 

Alright, enough games. She threw her staff to a side, holding the hilt of her Sword. Once she swing it, the green glowing light appeared. Cullen seemed... Way too happy to see her pull it out. 

"Nowhere to hide Commander" 

He smiled, almost as if he wanted her to do that. Great, she probably did fall for his tactic. 

"I don't intend to hide" 

The first swing of his sword almost sent her staggering backwards. He was strong, Maker, he was really strong. The way her body reacted to that revelation scared her.

Her sword was quicker, lighter, and easier to use. She could do things normal warriors could not.

"Agh!" Cullen looked, for the first time, taken by surprise when his sword fell from his hand. She had hit it with such strength, helped from energy from the Fade, that he couldn't resist it.

Alright, now or never, she thought lunging forwards and tackling him to the ground. Like a cat, she climbed on top, her sword sharp against his neck.

Yes, yes she had won. And yet, he looked so confident...

Kate frowned, and slightly moved, feeling something prickling her right under her ribs. When she looked down, she saw Cullen's hand holding a dagger, hovering right over her heart.

"I would be quicker" She panted, without moving away from him.

"You don't die immediately from a sliced throat"

The Inquisitor grunted but sheathed her sword and fell down to his side, sitting on the grass. Smell of burnt leafs around them. 

Long minutes passed, both of them just sitting, exhausted from their fake fight.

"Why tattoo your face?"

"why? You don't like it?"

He smiled "No, I do. I just don't know many Ladies who have them"

"Ah" Kate smiled back "I don't know many Lords or Ladies anyway"

There was a small pause.

"What about your family?"

"People at the Circle were more family to me than anyone else"

Cullen nodded softly. "The Templars were my family too. In some ways. But I still miss my siblings. I'm just... Bad at keeping contact with them"  
The Inquisitor felt a strong urge to reach out and take his hand. And this time, she didn't fight it.

"I tattooed my face because well, I liked it. I lived surrounded by humans and elves of all sorts of places. I wanted... I guess I wanted that... I wanted people to look at me and know what they get. This is me." She looked at him, one of her eyes marked by the ink, lines all around it. Three of them on her chin.

"A fighter." He said, touching her cheek, hands still together on the grass. An awkward silence followed his gesture "Inquisitor... I understand this is..." 

"Complicated?" her voice was filled with mockery but her eyes were oh so sad. "What we did a while ago... We were re-playing the deaths of our families. Mages slain by templars, templars burned to the ground by mages." She wondered if being honest was a good idea.. She decided it was "I cannot defeat you" 

"Nor can I" He replied, truthfully. 

"I think that would change. If we became... A thing" 

He clearly didn't understand what she meant by that, tilting his head like a confused Mabari. Maker, she really, really liked him. 

"You could slay me if I fell for you" 

"What?" there it was, realization. Maybe she had been way too honest. "Inq-... Kate" He shifted to be right in front of her face "I am not looking for... Elaborated ways to kill you. I'm no longer a Templar, I don't... Feel the same way I used to. I want to be better. I... I don't know how to win your trust" 

How could he win her trust? She hugged him, tight against her. The smell of his leather under the armor was filling her head with dreams of a life together. She was so stupid. She wasn't a kid anymore, she couldn't daydream at the top of the Tower about long fields and houses and... 

"I don't know if you'll have a choice at the end, Cullen" 

"I don't understand" His voice was almost shaking, big hands on her back. "I will always have a choice... I have that now" 

"Not if I become an abomination. Or if... I don't know. I can't change what I am. And you may deem me dangerous soon enough."

"You speak as if mages didn't kill templars too" 

There it was. The second thing that kept her up at night. What if she had to...? 

"Well, you are nowhere near red lyrium, Cullen. Don't make me think about that..." 

"We are not killing each other, Inquisitor. Can I burn that into your head?" he said, pulling back to look at her. 

Bad choice of words, and she wasn't going to let it go. 

"Ah, yes, like a Tranquil sigil. You can always do that" 

Alright. Now she was just being impossible. And he looked horrified. 

"I'm sorry, Cullen. I-... I'm not used to all this... Pressure" 

He nodded, and moved closer, barely placing a hand on her back.

 

They stayed in complete silence for the rest of the day, and when the light started to fade from the horizon, they agreed to spend the night out there. There was no way they would make it to one of the Hintherlands' camp in time. She made a fire with her magic and some wood, while Cullen managed a small tent. Everyone would be talking at Skyhold, they had gone out to complete a simple task and now they weren't going to be back until... Maker knows when.

Great.

Iron Bull would surely mock her endlessly about it. If they only hadn't fight or talked or walked so slow... 

"I brought no food" His voice brought her back from her thoughts, and she turned immediately to look at him. 

"It's okay, I've been without food for longer periods of time" They both smiled at that, and Cullen joined her next to the fire. 

"I never thought I would feel so attached to... all of this" She said, the woods quiet around them. "I've walked through so many places... Helped so many people. I know I can't fail. But I never thought I would actually care..." 

"Of course you care, you are part of this world as much as anyone else"

"Yes, and I was before but this is different" She moved her hand through the grass, barely illuminated. "I feel connected, to everything. And I don't know if it's just a feeling or if it's because of..." She looked at the green scar, shining inside her hand. 

Kate blinked when his hand covered the green light. No words were exchanged, she simply held his hand and softly moved closer to him. Her head rested on his shoulder, trying to fit against his chest in a small embrace. Cullen was strong, and his arms seemed to be made for holding her. Was this what being safe was like?

The Inquisitor sighed, eyes closed against his armor. She wanted to tear it apart and find the soft, warm skin underneath. She could feel his cheek against her hair. Cullen kept her in that comfortable position, clearly looking at her face but she didn't find the guts to open her eyes. The Inquisitor moved her face slowly up, lips parted and willing. She was sure his breathing was so close, right there... barely over her lips...

They both pushed away at the same time, hands searching for their weapons at the sign of danger. Their eyes traveled around the small camp they had set up.  
"Did you hear that?" He asked, and yes, of course she had heard that sound. And she was extremely pissed at whatever or whoever it was. It had ruined their moment! A perfect, sweet moment that could have changed it all. She was going to destroy that spider, or bear, or whatever it was. 

They walked around the small perimeter lit from the campfire, trying to see if there was anyone.

"I don't sense any magic" He whispered, holding his sword and having a weird protective stance around her. She wondered if that's what it was to be in the good graces of a templar. 

"It was probably nothing" Kate relaxed. "I'll take first watch" 

And without looking at him, she walked away.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

They reached the first Inquisition camp before mid morning, walking at a fast pace. Kate wondered if they would have been able to make it the night before. Well, there was nothing she could do now. The soldiers stationed at the camp looked shocked when they saw the Commander out there. Surely they were expecting Solas or Varric, having grown used to their presence. 

She tried not to smirk too much when Cullen started lecturing her troops about their behavior and how to properly defend a post.

Did he ever stop working? Maybe that was the best way to forget his Lyrium addiction. She could understand that. Not the addiction per se, but the constant need to keep busy to not think about what's coming.

"Inquisitor"

She quickly got into a long chat about requisitions and other things the outpost needed. The Hinterlands was pretty safe after closing all the rifts and making sure no Templars or Mages terrorized the roads. There was still the issue with Bandits but that was to be expected, and her soldiers were enough to defend civilians.

"We'll be going to Redcliffe. Please make sure we get horses for our way back" His voice was strong and it moved through her skin like a real touch.  
Trevelyan looked back at him and waited. They were going to walk for the moment, they had several camps to rest if needed.

"Those kids fear you" She said casually, walking downhill.

"I'm making sure they don't die. If I have to be tough to accomplish that, so be it"

"That's honorable, Cullen" Her voice was soft, she wanted to apologize for running away from him last night.

"It's what anyone would do"

No, not everyone would do that. Not everyone had basic human decency. She wanted to tell him that, but it was such a... Weird thing to say. And so difficult to explain without bringing back all the things that pulled them apart.  
The Inquisitor breathed in, filling her lungs with fresh warm air. It was refreshing to be back there, she was tired of traveling through the Storm Coast or places like that.

"How much do you think this place has seen?" she wondered out loud, walking through the lonely roads. 

"You sound like Solas"

He sounded jealous, was he? She looked at his eyes wondering. Solas was clearly only interested in elven women, and yet she wondered if he would allow love to ever touch him. Her elven friend was... Odd, to say the least. Yet the thought of Cullen being jealous was... Amusing.

"He has some interesting ideas. I like him"

"He's... Weird"

Trevelyan chuckled, was that the best he could come up with?

"I suppose. Surely that's what happens when you are alone and on the run for a long time"

Surprisingly, Cullen nodded at that, frowning slightly.

"I guess I am weird as well"

She smiled "No, you are awkward, Cullen. But don't worry, I heard King Alistair is also very awkward with people."

"Is that a compliment?" he looked confused.

"You don't like King Alistair? I thought everyone loved him"

Cullen pursed his lips.

"It's not that I don't like him. I think his acts during the blight were commendable. But taking the throne for himself... How would you feel if a Templar did that?"

She got extremely tense at that.

"The King hasn't favored the Grey Wardens in any way.."

"But if the situation came to pass... Who do you think he would support?"

That was something she hadn't thought about before. 

"The Wardens are good guys, and are here to stop the blight. There is no Blight, therefore our discussion is merely academic, Cullen. King Alistair has done nothing for me. Nor good, nor bad."

The Commander nodded softly, not sure of how to take that. Had he made her angry?

"All the ladies _do_ talk about his affair" He tried again, making Kate laugh. 

"You have been spending too much time with Josephine" Her eyes were lit up from her smile, and her hand found her way to his arm. There was no one around anyway. 

Cullen seemed... Honored and adjusted his arm so she could hold onto him easier. 

"But yes, it is supposed to be true. The King and The Hero of Ferelden... Still, what kind of man is he if he doesn't just marry her? She's an elf, not a monster"

"All the noble families would riot. The last thing Ferelden needs is another Civil War"

"Ah, yes, that's what Orlais is for"

They laughed at that and she was sure Cullen had never been more attractive. Well, maybe only when he was using his sword.

"That's why I would hate being a lady" she said after a couple of minutes of silent walking. "I can't follow their rules"

"Hm, troublemaker?"

Kate smirked "I'm not fit for that, nor do I find it appealing. My room back at the Castle is... Too much" he looked completely compelled by her words "I've lived in a Tower all my life, sharing a bedroom, always surrounded by Templars. I guess my idea of home is... Something small. Something that's only mine, you know?"

"You would love the place I grew up" He said, sounding surprised of his own words.

"I would love going there with you, then"

Cullen walked slower until they both stopped and he placed himself in front of her.

"Kate..."

She looked into his eyes, and felt a strong calloused hand touching her cheek.

"Not out here" her voice was raspy and low.

"What kind of man would I be if I kissed you behind closed doors?" he whispered, closing the space between them.

Trevelyan closed her eyes immediately, pressing her thin frame to him. She wanted to melt inside his armor and never leave him.

His lips were soft and warm, sending shivers with every touch of tongue. She reached up, holding onto his neck and tilting her head just enough to kiss him better. His stubble prickled the skin of her face and it only made her eager for more. Much, much more.

The Inquisitor was sure they were biting and pulling at each other's lips but neither seemed to care. She was almost sure Cullen was trying not to lift her up and slam her against a tree.

Fuck, her pants were getting very uncomfortable so she pulled away. The Inquisitor breathed quickly, looking at him. Thankfully, he looked as disheveled as she was.

"... I-..."

"Don't" He said, pressing their foreheads together "Not now"

Trevelyan closed her eyes, letting go for the moment.

"We still need to go to Redcliffe"

He chuckled and moved away, a smug smile on his face. She wanted to... She wanted to do so many things to him.

"After you, Inquisitor"

*

The next few hours were filled with side glances, soft smiles and a closeness neither of them had felt before. Cullen was sure this was going somewhere, that his life would never be the same. He had felt like that a couple of times in his life, but it had never been a good feeling. It always involved losing something. First, his family to join the Templars. Then, he lost the man he was, he lost his innocence and everything good he had. He almost lost his mind too; sometimes he wondered if he didn't lose it after all.

Time after time he had lost, and gained in some ways, but right now... it felt like a complete change in his life. A good one. One with a future. 

Of course he knew he wasn't what the Inquisitor deserved. He was a former Templar, damaged by Lyrium _and_ Lyrium withdrawal, he surely wasn't going to live long. Not enough time to give her everything she deserved, not enough time to grow old together. 

He pressed a hand against Trevelyan's back to help her climb a couple of rocks, he didn't have to do that and she didn't need his help but still the Inquisitor looked over her shoulder and smiled. That soft, warm smile...  
What kind of man was he going to be under her? A good one? Was he going to not see the evil in her like he did with Meredith? Was he...? 

No. There could be no evil in those brown locks or that small frame. He had seen true evil, at the Tower of Ferelden, at Kirkwall, in his own dreams. She wasn't any of that. Even if her eyes screamed Desire Demon, he knew she wasn't. She was good. They were good.

"Cullen? Is everything okay?" She looked down at him, waiting for him to climb the small hill and join her. They were getting closer to Redcliffe already, and he wasn't sure he wanted to lose that intimacy they had. 

"Yes, sorry Inquisitor" 

Cullen quickly followed suit, walking by her side and looking at every turn. He had carried her once, after Haven, her body limp in his arms. It had been one of the most horrible moments in his life. He remembered how cold her skin was, how purple her lips looked, the small white snowflakes on her eyelashes. He isn't sure anymore, and he is afraid to ask anyone, but he almost remembers kissing her forehead on their way to the camp, holding her and whispering for her to come back. 

Cassandra was the only one close enough, and they wouldn't be able to handle such an embarrassing conversation. 

Cullen wasn't going to allow her to get hurt in any way. Never again. 

"You are a silent man, aren't you?" 

Was that a bad thing? He looked at her, trying to find his words. He wasn't always so quiet, but sometimes he just... had to think things through. He hadn't thought enough before, and it had cost him greatly. Besides, how is one man supposed to behave around someone such as she?

"And you are not, Inquisitor"

"Well, I am no man"

He smiled "Yes, I can tell" 

"Would that be a problem?"

He arched and eyebrow at that, curious at what she was trying to get. "Are you asking if I wouldn't like you if you were male?" 

"Yeah. Would you still be attracted to me?" 

Cullen chuckled, blushing a little bit "Yeah"

"Oh, really?" Trevelyan smirked, dragging her words. Alright, he knew she joked a lot. Varric and Dorian both said that about her. And Iron Bull loved her, so... yeah. Oh, Maker. She was going to make him blush all the time. 

"I-I mean. There's nothing wrong with it. Not here in Ferelden. I understand you spend a lot of time with Dorian and he might have told you that..." He quickly added, but she laughed and pushed him slightly to a side. 

"I know, Cullen" She shrugged "Don't know what makes you think I have a problem with any of it. Have you never seen me flirt with Cassandra?" 

Cullen frowned, now jealous. No. He had never seen that and it was making him concerned. With how many people had she flirted? He had seen her flirt with Dorian but that was just for fun and he knew he didn't need to worry. But Cassandra... Well, Cassie wasn't... she wasn't into the Inquisitor was she?

"I'm over that, Commander" Kate's tone seemed more serious now, almost as if she could read his brain "I liked her when we met, but she's as straight as my Staff so..." 

"So I'm your second choice?"

She stopped dead in her tracks "Cullen, that's not..." She was biting her lip and he wanted to pull at it too "I am not in love with Cass. I do not feel anything for anyone in the Inquisition" 

"Including me?" 

"Cullen..." She shook her head softly and closed her eyes. "Let's keep walking, alright?" 

Trevelyan moved without looking back at him, and he didn't know what to think. He was angry, and jealous and a little bit hurt. She felt nothing? Was she just having fun while they both lived? He had been used before, in many ways and by many people but... he didn't want to be used by her. 

*

She had fucked up, and now she didn't know how to fix it. Being too honest was not a virtue sometimes. How could she explain to him that yeah, she felt attracted to Cassandra but that died like a small flame and she didn't even care to tend it. How could she explain what she had felt since she saw him? Well, yes, she disliked him at first but then it changed into something so strong that defining it scared her. 

Once they reached Redcliffe she stayed away from him and took care of business only. It's not that she didn't want to clear up that misunderstanding but saving the world came first sometimes. Besides, they were both very professional people, she knew Cullen would give his all to everything they faced even if they had fought.

"What's that?" He asked, looking over her shoulder. She was browsing through a selection of items to buy, all focused on her magic abilities, of course. 

"I can make runes with this to add to my staff, or your armor or sword..." 

He nodded but kept looking around like a curious child. 

"I'm sure you've seen spell books before?" 

"Yes, but I could never understand them" 

"You... Read them?" 

He shrugged and waited until she finished shopping "I like to read" 

"Yeah, I never understood how anyone could live at the tower but hate books. What else is there do to, really?" 

Cullen smiled, it was the first time since their discussion and it made her relax again. 

"Promise you'll recommend some of your favorites?" 

"I promise, Inquisitor" 

He was quieter than usual, and fuck... Did this mean she wasn't going to get him to open up? 

They grabbed something to eat on the streets, some baked fish wrapped with paper and ate looking towards the sea. It was easy to understand the appeal of a simple life. She could see herself there, a pregnant belly under her robes, eating with her fingers and cuddled next to Cullen. She looked at him, his blonde eyelashes almost shining with the falling sun. 

"What I said before, you weren't included in that. I don't feel... things for anyone but you, Cullen." 

There was something about the twilight that made everything stop. It made her feel at ease and as if everything and anything had a solution, no matter how complicated. The breach? Pff, it was going to get closed. Templars and mages? They just had to talk. Her and Cullen?... Perfect. 

Of course that the moment night falls and its darkness embraces her, all of those feelings are exchanged for despair and frustration.  
But still, they were sitting at twilight and not midnight. She could allow herself to bask in that one perfect moment. 

"I figured as such..." He said. Had she been worrying for nothing? "I have... A hard time trusting people" 

"Me too" 

"I know" 

Cullen looked straight at her, frowning. What was he thinking? Why was he thinking? Didn't he know it was the perfect hour? She moved closer and kissed him softly on the lips. They weren't dressed to impress and she doubted people would recognize them too much. She was "an idea" after all.

He kissed back, but quickly pulled back. He looked like he was trying to restrain himself. Maker, he always did that. What was he holding in? She wanted to know... She needed to know. 

They finished their meal enjoying each other's company. Once they got up, the sun was completely down and light was staring to fade. 

"Let's go" Kate said "we can spend the night at the Inn" 

They could walk during the night back to one of the camps, it would be a little bit exhausting and pointless but they could do it. She didn't know why, but she wanted a bed behind her back.

The inn was busting with laughter, drinks flowing, people chatting loudly. Trevelyan was thankful, this meant no one would really pay them much attention and they could slip into one of the rooms without being noticed.  
She didn't know if Cullen had the same idea that she had, but when she asked for a single bedroom he said nothing. Her chest could barely hold her heart, was she really going to go ahead with this?

"Silence" She whispered when they entered the bedroom, the sounds form the inn's dining tables completely hushed. Cullen closed the door, his movements slow but well thought out.

"Trevelyan..." He started, looking at her and Kate was sure she couldn't hold it in anymore. She crossed the small distance between them, grabbing onto his neck and kissing him passionately. 

Her hands traveled down, grasping at his armor and pulling without really looking and without really knowing if they were doing anything. Cullen kissed back with his soft lips, pulling his hands away from her to help take his armor off.

The Inquisitor couldn't believe herself when she moaned at the touch of his skin under her fingertips. Once he was rid of most of his armor, his hands found their way to her, and oh, she could feel what he had been hiding all this time. 

Trevelyan allowed him to take her robe off, pulling at the leather. He threw her to the bed, sitting between her legs starting to take her boots off.  
She propped herself on the bed with her elbows, staring at his work. Oh Maker, he had a look on his face she had never seen before. Cullen kissed one of her ankles, before moving onto the next boot. 

She felt herself wet inside her trousers and didn't know if she had ever been like this before. Only from kissing... 

The Commander sat straight once her boots were off, moving forward and pulling at her pants. She panted and lifted her hips, allowing him to expose her. 

Only on her sheer white blouse, she felt vulnerable yet contained. She felt scared and excited at the same time.

Cullen kissed her belly, right under her bellybutton, and she saw him move downwards. Oh, Maker.

Trevelyan closed her eyes, pressing her head against the pillows, waiting for...whatever it was he was going to do to her. 

_Oh_

She couldn't believe the things Cullen could do with his mouth. She was no Saint nor maiden and yet this blushing man made her toes curl. He was devouring her as if gold poured from between her thighs.

"Cullen" She moaned, grasping at the sheets and pulling them tightly, making a mess of the poor bed. The whole world seemed far away from her. The breach, the chaos, the Inquisition... It was all a fairy tale at that moment.

The Commander propped her legs over his shoulders to have better reach and she swore her feet were digging into his back with too much force.

There was something in the way his tongue knew her, a certain kind of devotion she had never felt. She usually didn't think she deserved such things, but at that moment she wanted to be his Queen and never stop.

"Cullen!" she moaned with her back arching at the sudden explosion of pleasure from her crotch. He was creating magic and she wanted all of it. "More" Kate barely recognized her voice, low and hoarse, filled with lust.

If he was fire, she was powder waiting to be burned. 

His calloused hands touched her thighs, bringing her waist closer to his mouth. 

Oh, Maker, she wasn't sure she could handle all of this attention any longer. The last time she had felt so out of control was the night she discovered her magic. 

He said nothing, no smirk or chuckle, not even looked up from his task. The Commander had a clear objective in sight and he was going to accomplish it so, so fast. 

She came with a hand over her own mouth, trying not to scream, her whole body shaking. He didn't even had to use fingers and she was already a mess.  
Cullen moved away from her pussy for the first time, his cheeks red from the heat and eyes wide for her. Maker, she wanted to be devoured by him.

"You taste delicious" He growled, starting to kiss her neck with such force that it made her moan and dig her nails to his back.  
His strong hands held the rim of her blouse and with two strong pulls he teared it apart, exposing her breasts to him. He used such force her body was pushed a bit forward on the bed. Fuck, if she could be any more wet...

His lips found one of her nipples and Trevelyan managed to pry open his trousers, pulling him closer with her legs around his waist. She needed him badly, she had never needed a man so bad before.

He chuckled "You'll have it, Inquisitor, do not worry" That smug voice, it infuriated her and it made her more aroused. Trevelyan moved and tugged at his blonde hair, hard. Making it hurt.

He moaned and oh, Maker, she needed to hear more of that.

"Are you into pain, Commander?"

Cullen smiled and slapped her ass with one of his big, strong hands. Maker. She threw her head back, mouth open and breathing hard. She knew he was giving her a smug look. Jerk. 

Trevelyan only looked back at him when she heard him move and take off his pants completely. Oh, wow. She wet her lips looking down at his hard cock, he was going to be inside her so soon... She felt lightning run through her fingers at that thought. Fuck, she couldn't wait anymore.

And then Cullen did something unexpected. With a quick and strong movement he made her turn over, pressing his chest against her back, his kisses right under her earlobe.

"I'm going to fuck you Inquisitor, like _no one_ else"

Maker. Was this the same man?

He caressed softly her waist and waited for her to nod, before spreading her legs with one hand and diving deep into her.

Kate almost cried against the pillow, but not out of pain or fear, she was filled with pleasure and a sense of completion that it was... Almost too much for her. Cullen grabbed at her wrists, making her stretch her arms over the mattress and keeping her tightly against the bed while his thrusts became harder and deeper.

She moaned, louder and louder, not caring about the other guests at the Inn. As far as they knew they were just another couple.

"Harder" She pulled at the sheets, wanting to feel more, to see what he was holding in every time he pulled back from a kiss. "Harder, Cullen!" it was almost an order, almost with her Inquisitorial tone.

He complied, like the good Commander he was, fastening his pace and filling the room with the sound of their skins meeting.

Cullen pulled slightly back, kneeling on the bed and making her press hands and knees to the bed. This was new, somehow. She had had sex before, but she has never felt this fire - not even with her own magic.

He pulled at her hair, now completely out of her usual bun, falling over her shoulders and sticking to her sweaty back.

"How does it feel, Inquisitor?" Damn him for sounding so composed while she was torned to pieces out of sheer pleasure.

"F-f-fine" she managed, not willing to feed his ego, even though her whole body was betraying her.

He slapped her again, Maker, and again... She moaned feeling the soft prickling over her skin. It was new, very new, but he wanted his hands all over. She wanted him leaving red marks everywhere.

Trevelyan pressed her face against the pillows, letting him hold onto her waist. She moaned and panted, his name and the name of the Maker, Andraste and everyone in between.

It could have been minuted or seconds, but she felt another thug on her body and Cullen was turning her over to see her face.

She looked at him, pure force and dominance. Who would have known she would end up like this under him? Kate opened her lips, and moaned when he pressed two fingers to get them inside her mouth. With her eyes closed, she started sucking them, feeling him starting to move again inside of her.  
He was driving her crazy, his voice, his body, his cock.

*

"That was..." her voice travelled through the now silent room, filling the gaps between their bodies.

"Incredible?"

She smiled and moved closer to his chest. Trevelyan considered herself quite comfortable with her body, and yet she was surprised by how comfortable she was with being naked in front of him. She looked at his sun kissed chest and caressed it softly, eyeing the red marks she left all over and the old scars that showed his life as a Warrior.

"Where did you learn _how_ to do... _That_?"

"What is "that"? " he looked at her, all smug.

"What you did, with your... Your mouth"

Cullen kissed her lips and shrugged "Just.. Life."

"Aha, right.." Kate was sure there was more to it and she was about to question him when he moved and pressed his lips close to her ear.

"I had thought about doing it to you many nights, you tasted sweeter"

Trevelyan closed her eyes, the entirety of her body shivering at his words. She wanted him again but was too tired and sore to even ask for it.

"You are a dirty templar" She barely managed to said, moving her face away from him to see his eyes.

"Are you going to punish me, m'lady?"

The Inquisitor thought about it for a moment, it would certainly be arousing but... He knew how Cullen thought of mages. What good could it be to... Play like that in bed?

"Maybe" she answered, trying not to kill the mood between them. She moved to her side, feeling his strong arms around her and the smell of old leather still on his skin.

Trevelyan could get used to this. She breathed slowly, inside the tight comfort and protection of his embrace, feeling completely unstoppable, invincible, unique... How come a man made her feel this way? What was going to happen if he ever left her side? No. What was going to hapoen *when* he left her?

"Stop thinking" Cullen whispered, one arm propped on the bed to hold his frame just high enough to see her face "Whatever it is, stop thinking about it"  
She opened her eyes but didn't look at him, simply nodded trying to let the feeling of warmth and protection swallow her whole.

"Good night, Cullen"

"Night, Inquisitor" His voice was soft. She felt a small peck on her cheek, a tighter embrace, his breathing against her back...

She fell asleep instantly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed! It has been a long time since I have written smut x)


	3. Chapter 3 - The Emerald Graves

Chapter 3.

"So..." the deep voice brought her back from her train of thoughts "You know I am a Ben-Hassrath, right?"

"Damn it, Bull!" she faked surprise "are you a Qunari?!"

He laughed, with a warmth that didn't seem to match that huge frame of his. 

"You know I'm good at reading people, right?"

"Where are you going with this?" oh, she knew.

"You and Cullen?"

Ah, fuck.

"Hm"

"Hm?" he looked so amused. Damn, she loved him. "Hm-hmm"

"Hm-hmm" She nodded, blushing against her Ale.

"Ah, good for you!" Bull patted her back, well, he probably thought he patted, Kate was sure he slapped her. Damn he was strong, and yet he felt warm and welcoming. She could understand why Dorian went with him over and over again. "Maybe you'll stop being so uptight all the time"

"Excuse you?"

"You only let your hair down away from the Castle. It should be the other way around, you know?"

"I never let my hair down" She said, pointing at her hair up in a bun. Bull smiled.

"Exactly" he added and drank that horrible drink he loved. "You and the Templar, I've got to say I knew it from the start" 

"Liar, you heard Dorian's gossiping" 

Bull chuckled and winked at her with his good eye, resting on his chair and eyeing around the tavern. There was a lot of people there every night, probably the only place people at Skyhold could relax and mingle. Or use alcohol to ignore their problems. She didn't do that, it would call everyone's attention too much and she would rather not be noticed. 

Trevelyan looked down into her mug, the brownish brew staring back at her. She wasn't sure she wanted to drink anymore. 

"Well, Bull, I think I'm going to my chambers" 

"Already?!" a familiar drunk voice came up from behind her and suddenly she was embraced by Dorian. "The night is only starting and I am sure your man is still working, yes?" 

The Inquisitor loved him, but when he drank he got impossible. 

"Don't call him like that, he's our Commander and someone might hear you" 

"Ah, darling, from what I know you were the one making a lot of ruckus in your little trip, yes? Soldiers can't keep their mouth shut" 

Bull simply stared at both of them, used to all this banter from their travels. 

"Dorian" She started, trying not to get mad. He was messing with her and she was way too emotional for it. "How about you go fuck Bull and leave my business alone?" 

Alright. A little bit too harsh. Damn it. 

"Right here?" Dorian touched his chest pretending to be shocked. She tried to remain serious but a smile cracked her face. 

"You're an idiot" 

"So are you, my dear. Please stay with us a little bit longer, I was just about to share the latest gossip with Bull anyway" 

"Ugh" 

Bull stared while Dorian took a chair and sat next to them, clearly intoxicated.  
"You are not going to believe this" he raised one hand looking between both of them. 

Kate raised one eyebrow, she was sure that whatever it was Bull already knew and she didn't. She never took enough time to listen at gossip.

"I heard Josephine say that Leliana told her that Cole told... Wait, how was it again?"

"You are drunk, Dorian"

The Inquisitor raised from her seat, placing a hand on the young mage's shoulder. He had a warm, soft heart and he had been treated terribly by his own people for something as dull as sexuality. Damn it, she had liked women before and no one batted an eye at it.

She felt sorry for everyone living back in Tevinter. Well, they were free at least. Unless you were an elf, or no mage, or simply a slave... Yeah, she was lucky being from the Marches.

"No, no, no, it had to do with the Seeker...! Or did she say Varric?" 

"Take care of him, Bull"

"I'm not a child!"

"Sure thing, Boss"

Trevelyan walked out of the Tavern, feeling the cold air hit her face. From there she could see the tower were Cullen had his office and chambers, there was some light coming from over there... Or maybe she was imagining it. Kate sighed deeply, deciding not to disturb him and go back to her room. She was leaving for the Emerald Graves in the morning and she doubted spending a night in his arms could make it any better.

They hadn't shared a bed since the night at the inn. They had, however, allowed themselves a moment of weakness on Cullen's desk. The thought still made her wet. He had thrown everything to the ground, propping her on top of the table. Despite everything, he was always so sure when he touched her... And she loved it.

She bit her lip, thinking about the... Fantasies she had about him, the dreams that filled her nights after discovering sex with him. Trevelyan was almost sure he knew too, because when they were doing it on his desk, he took his sweet time teasing her and... And spanking her.

The Inquisitor breathed deep and started walking to her chambers, not looking at the Tower anymore.

"It burns. Burns. Don't stop. No. Shame, but pleasure. Quick, fleeting..."

"Cole!" He rarely surprised her, but lately her mind was somewhere else. She tried not to blush too hard, even though Cole was a grown man, well - _spirit_ -she had adopted him like a little brother. Or a child, although she felt too young to be a motherly figure. "You s-..."

"Why did he hit you? You liked it. I don't understand"

Okay. No. This was not okay in so many levels.

"Cole, that's... Not what you saw. Please stop reading my mind"

"But you are hurting. I felt it. Shame, shame. Shouldn't. Shouldn't..."

"I am okay, Cole. Come here" She placed a hand on his arm, softly to not make him uncomfortable and guided him to sit next to the fire. Varric wasn't there, weird. "I am... I have things in my mind, but we all do sometimes"

"You are hurting. But so is he. Broken, sore, calm fresh water over his wounds. Guilty, guilty; undeserving..."

Did Cullen feel all that? If he did, she was sure that he wouldn't want her to know from Cole. Trevelyan sighed but smiled at the boy.

"Sometimes people make things complicated, we... Have things to figure out on our own"

Cole looked at her, sitting over the table instead of using a chair, his ridiculous hat almost covering his eyes. "You are scared of..."

"I'm scared of many things"

"It wasn't your fault. What happened to the butcher's son. You didn't know what was going to happen. You should let it go"

"Cole, do not use... Don't do that to me" She said, a knot on her throat and the memories alive all over her skin. She could hear the screaming, see the fire... The child horrified yet unable to escape the flames.

"I'm sorry, I made it worse... Let me try again"

"No" she stopped him "Not with me... It's okay. You did good, Cole"

Trevelyan smiled, she wanted to hug him but she knew he only accepted that type of thing from Varric and only 'cause Varric didn't ask first.

"The hay was too dry that day, you couldn't have known."

She swallowed, feeling the big ball of guilt and sorrow turn in her chest, kicking at her walls trying to destroy everything she had accomplished. What would Cullen do if he knew? He would end her, he would put a sword through her chest. And if he didn't, she wasn't sure she could trust his judgment. She was a murderer, she was what everyone said mages were.  
If Cole could read her mind, he said nothing, disappearing to leave her all alone with her thoughts.

Suddenly, she wanted Cullen's arms around her. She wanted him but... Trevelyan swallowed and opened the door to her bedroom, once inside and up the stairs, she fell to her knees in front of the bed. She closed her eyes and pressed her hands together, doing something she hadn't been able to do in years: pray.

She wasn't going to cry.

 

*

"You should have said your goodbyes" Varric's voice brought her back to the conversation she had completely neglected for about twenty minutes.  
Trevelyan looked at the dwarf and frowned, not quite sure what he meant. He rarely threatened anyone, and she was sure it wasn't a threat. They were friends, right? What was he even on about...? 

"The commander" He added, nodding back towards the road they were leaving behind as if Skyhold were right there. "I saw him try and talk to you, but you just got on your horse" 

She sighed, what could he know about...? Well, truth was she had no idea what Varric knew about love, and he clearly never talked about his own experiences. The Inquisitor was getting pissed at it, why was everyone so damn eager to give her advice about her relationship? 

"It is better that way, Varric." She tried, but he wasn't buying it at all "I don't like goodbyes" 

"Alright, that was a little bit more honest" He smiled a bit, but his eyes twitched towards the faint green scar on the sky from time to time "Listen... I know you are, maybe, sent to us by the Maker or something, but if you are not and if you are human like I suspect you are... "

"Yes, I can die, Varric." 

"Then you should say your goodbyes, every time" 

She frowned and looked at him "Who do you say goodbye to?"

He smiled that smile that said: 'I am going to lie to you, or just don't tell you the whole truth'. 

"Sometimes I write to Hawke. But I don't really have anyone to say goodbye to" His eyes traveled to Cassandra, who was leading the party. Trevelyan noted that, but decided not to comment. 

"I suppose you are going to write about this, about us. I have heard you teasing Cassandra about it"

He chuckled at that but nodded "The Seeker is really excited about it"

Cassie made a disgusted noise, clearly listening to everything that was being said behind. Trevelyan didn't know if it was part of her training or if she had a certain interest in a certain someone that was talking to a certain Inquisitor.

"I can imagine. Well, you really have a lot of juicy bits to choose from. Don't you? A mage who was a noble and that is dating a templar that is no longer one. Or maybe a Qunari who is actually a spy but, well, a double spy and is fucking a Tevinter mage who is gay and has some extremely _worrying_ views on slavery" 

Varric laughed this time, holding onto his horse for dear life. She got the idea he really didn't like being that far away from the ground but would never say so out of pride.

"I will include as much as I can. But I don't know if writing about Dorian and Bull would help him. If he's to return to Tevinter, that is."

Trevelyan felt a soft ache on her chest. She didn't like talking about the future, or the possibility of not seeing her friends ever again. 

"Yeah that would be bad for him, but I do think he would enjoy the scandal" She remained quiet for a couple of seconds "So, you left things out of your Tale of the Champion"

Oh, he didn't look pleased by that. He looked straight ahead with a slight frown on his face. 

"Hey I am not here to chase Bethany or Hawke or anything" She smiled softly "I was actually wondering something else entirely..." The Inquisitor looked at him "How could you know, in such detail, what Hawke and Isabella did in bed?"  
Varric laughed and touched the side of his nose twice. 

"I had my ways" 

"You mean they told you everything?" 

He nodded "Hawke was happy back then, and Isabella has no shame. I guess a couple of drinks and well..." 

"Incredible. I thought you made it all up" 

"In such detail?!" 

"Good lies come with a lot of details, most of them have to be true that way you can get the lie in quickly and almost painlessly"

Varric gave her a look she had never seen before. She didn't know if it was surprise, or pity. Maybe both. What was he thinking about?

"You know, you are a nice girl"

"Thank you" She replied, believing none of it.

\---

Trevelyan decided to walk when they reached the Emerald Graves, looking around like a little amazed kid. Everything was green, but not just _green_ , it was beautiful. She smiled watching a Fennec run away from them, obviously scared and oblivious to the fact that they were definitely not going to kill it. Oh, it felt good being away from the Castle. 

It felt _good_ being away from the _tower_ were she had spent most of her life. Maker, if only they could see her now: an important woman, a strong mage, with the fate of everything on her hands. 

"This is beautiful" She said, smiling back to a quiet Cassandra that simply nodded. It wasn't clear if she couldn't see the beauty in it, if she had seen it before, or if she simply didn't care. Trevelyan wasn't let down by it, she felt... so good. A wicked smile appeared on her face and she took her staff off her back and peeled off the long coat of light armor she wore. 

"Inquisitor?" Cassandra was clearly... taken aback. 

"Will you hold this for me?" She smiled, throwing the piece of clothing to her, while starting a light jog backwards "I will run ahead a little bit, don't worry about me!" 

And she started running, not a "little bit" but a lot, feeling the wind against her face, hearing the sound her boots made against the soft grass. The air started to hurt after a while of running non-stop and it felt _good_ , it made her feel alive. Of course she could feel them riding right behind her, but that was okay. Cassandra would never let anything happen to her, out of friendship yes, but out of duty too. 

When she couldn't run anymore, with a hard pain on her side, she stopped. Kate leaned forward, with her hands on her knees and started laughing. 

"I think she needs you" 

She heard Varric mutter 

"You are better with words" Cassandra replied.

She kept laughing, harder even. Their words were so... funny, for some reason. Yes, she was breaking inside and maybe instead of laughing she wanted to cry and maybe her knees were about to give up and maybe she was about to fall to the ground and cry her heart out. 

A strong arm surrounded her and made her stand straight. Bull had been weirdly quiet all the way there, maybe he was still pissed cause she didn't bring Dorian. 

"Now, now" He said "calm down" 

She looked at him, right into his big warm eye and nodded swallowing the tears that would probably make everyone worry.

"Thanks, Bull" She smiled softly, moving away from him and waving to the others. "This is a good place to make camp" 

They were about to settle down for the day when Trevelyan smelled a strong scent of... burnt hair? They marked the location and decided to follow the scent. The closer they moved, the stronger it got but now there was something else too.. She couldn't quite put her finger on it but she didn't have to. The moment they turned around a hill, they saw a huge wrath demon coming their way. 

Cassandra threw her staff back at her, but she didn't have her coat on and that... could be bad. Trevelyan used a barrier spell on all of them, moving to the back of the group trying to avoid the flames. Her magic was not the best against wrath demons, and she cursed not bringing Solas with his freaking ice powers. Cassandra, of course, was right there against the huge monster. Sometimes she wondered how she still got any hair on her head. Well, she was a great soldier. She had kept them all alive more times that they could count.  
The fight was quick with all of their powers combined and probably because that wasn't a great demon or anything. After it vanished back to the fade or wherever they went, she saw the true horror. 

A lump on her throat. 

A knot on her belly. 

"Both dead" Cassandra said matter of factly, after reaching down and touching the bodies on the floor. A young woman and a little boy... Mother and son?

Trevelyan moved closer and crouched next to Cassandra, but at the moment she did, she wanted to vomit. The young woman was pregnant, that much was obvious. Being burned to death doesn't mean you stop having a huge belly.

"Three dead" She mumbled, a hand reaching to touch the little boy's hair. He had barely been touched by flame, crushed beneath her mother's body. Mother? Sister? She was so young... "This stupid war!" Kate yelled getting up from the floor and wishing for something to punch. And no, she wouldn't punch Bull even though she knew he would offer. "This fucking, stupid...!" She screamed, and took it out on the wrong person. "You!" 

"Me? What did _I_ do?" Varric looked completely overwhelmed by her. 

"You were _his_ friend" She said through gritted teeth, her voice pure venom while moving closer to him "You were his fucking friend!" She reached out, but Cassandra was quicker and stopped her.

"Inquisitor, please calm down" Her voice was quiet and she knew everyone was thinking how crazy she must be, and how they were all thinking she should be locked away and it only made her _angrier_. 

"You knew the fucker who did all of this and you wouldn't give up Hawke! YOU probably know where HE is right now! All of this people... they are all dead because of him!" Kate knew that wasn't entirely right, and she knew deep down that this war was going to happen -Anders or no Anders. But she was hurt, and angry, and guilty. 

"That's not fair, Inquisitor" Varric was furious, but he didn't even move away.

"Yes it is! Yes, it is!" She trashed against Cassandra, trying to get to him but she would not move and something told her that if she tried to hurt Varric, Cassandra would knock her down without a second thought. 

"You need to calm down, Inquisitor" 

But calm down she didn't. 

Kate moved away, pushing past Bull and away from them. She needed to be alone. Nothing was going to happen to her. 

This time no one went after her. No one followed. 

Good.

\---

Guilt clawed at her from the inside, making it unbearable to even breathe. She had been so bad to Varric that he would probably never be her friend again. And she needed friends. Sometimes she wanted to be so strong for everyone else... 

Trevelyan opened a torn piece of paper she had kept after raiding a small templar camp. It was a letter to a little girl and what it said still made her insides turn. 

She hugged her knees and closed her eyes, the piece of paper tight in her hand. The ink was already blurry from her hands but she could remember every word. 

\---

There was a small fire near the tents, but the air was cold all around. And it was her making. Not with magic but with her words. Great.

Trevelyan walked slowly towards the dwarf, trying to find strength within herself to admit how damn stupid she had been and how sorry she was. Varric was one of the most incredible friends she had and... God, she had been so wrong. 

"Uhm, Varric?" Her voice sounded soft and pleading. He turned around and nodded. 

"I... I am sorry. What I said it wasn't true. Or fair. Or nice..." 

He still had a hard look on his face, he hadn't even been this mad with Cassandra when she literally tried to punch him.

"When a friend betrays you like that, it's not an easy thing to forget. But the worst part... Do you know what the worst part is?"

She shook her head.

"I didn't see it sooner. That's the worse part. Hawke didn't. I didn't. Nobody did. We all trusted each other in that Maker forgotten place so don't you think that because this situation is terrible, you have a right to come to me and say those things." 

Trevelyan swallowed and nodded again. "I was just... angry" He seemed to want to scream at her or maybe say something mean but that wasn't Varric. 

"I know, Inquisitor. We all are. Remember that"

She nodded and decided it was enough for a day, she didn't want to push her luck with him or anyone else on her team. 

 

Cassandra had seen everything and the moment the Inquisitor was entering her tent, she moved towards Varric. 

"I have never seen her like that" She confided, trying to find another point of view from someone that maybe knew people a little better than she did.

"She saw a dead kid, Seeker, it's not easy to forget something like that"

"But before..." 

"Yes, I saw that too"

They both stared quietly into the fire. Varric moved her eyes to the Seeker, but she didn't look back at him.

"Do you think I should ask Josephine to get her a doctor?"

"She has a lot of responsibilities, Seeker. I think she just needs... Ah, I don't know" He scrubbed his face with a hand "This is new for me too. With Hawke we would drink our sorrows away"

Cassandra smirked.

"That would have been worth seeing"

He smiled softly.

"Goodnight, Seeker"

"Goodnight, dwarf" 

There was warmth in her tone this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed! If you did, please leave a comment :) those make me happy!  
> -Lucy


	4. Monsters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a long one!  
> Warning: descriptions of murder & violence. Strong language.

Chapter 4

 

It was a restless night for her, every time her mind started to wander into sleep, something would pull her back. Sometimes it was guilt or shame, others it was worry. Not the worry one would feel after, let's say, leaving a certain someone without a clear idea of what they were but a worry that was so huge it swallowed her whole. She worried about the world, Corypheus, the mages, the templars and all the innocents in between. Sometimes she tried closing her eyes and remembering no one was truly innocent.

 

Oh, but that child. That... Little kid. She became a little ball under the soft furs they used as blankets and rested her hands on her lower belly. That poor woman, that poor unborn baby.

 

She had already cried for them, away from the camp, holding onto that letter for dear life. She didn't know what else to do for them, she could pray but it felt dishonest. It had felt dishonest doing it for herself and it wasn't fair to insult the dead.

 

Cassandra was fast asleep on the tent, they always shared while the men slept in another. Which was a bit weird, but she could understand why. And, well, thinking about it it was obvious why the soldiers realized she was sleeping with Cullen after their small adventure.

 

Trevelyan saw Cassandra drooling on the blankets and smiled. She was a good friend. Not only to her, to all of them. And she didn't know it.

Varric gave her a really hard time about friends, but she was good. Harsh but good.

 

Kate sat up, rubbing the palms of her hands against her eyes and just sat there in almost complete darkness.

 

"Inquisitor"

 

Fuck.

 

"Hey, go back to sleep. Alright?" she whispered in a soft voice and decided to lay back again. It was pointless - and dangerous- to wander off.

 

"Are you pregnant?"

 

Okay. Cassandra had no... Wow.

 

"What? Of course not. Why would you think that?"

 

"Your reaction to that woman. You are clutching your belly right now"

Kate had not noticed that. Her hand flew away from her body as if all of her burned.

 

"It's not... I am not... It's not about me"

 

"What do you mean?"

 

"That poor woman... I... I didn't mean to worry you, Cassie" she whispered closing her eyes. She felt so tired.

 

There was a long silence and she knew she was being watched and silently examined.

 

"You miss him"

 

That wasn't the conclusion she wanted her to have but it was better than thinking she was pregnant. First of all: it would be insane, and even thinking about keeping a baby while in the midst of all of this was laughable. Second: she would have told someone. And everyone would have known right after that, of course. There were no secrets in the Inquisition. Or maybe there were, just not hers.

 

"I do" she admitted, opening her eyes and missing his arms around her, his soft slow breathing.. She missed those kisses that made her smile, the stubble on his chin pinching a bit on her skin... The way he kissed her down between her legs.

 

"You know he can't leave Skyhold to come with us"

 

"I know"

 

"You know he is probably dying to do so, yes?"

 

She smiled "Yeah, I know"

 

Cassandra shifted "I..." there was a long pause "Try and sleep, Inquisitor. I know you think this place is beautiful but don't let it fool you."

 

Trevelyan had no idea what she meant but nodded anyway, closing her eyes and trying to fall asleep.

 

*

 

She realized soon enough The Emerald Graves were nothing more than that: a grave. It could have been a beautiful place, filled with elven cities... She wondered if the deep green of her surroundings came from all the blood soaking the place. The Chantry had done such damage there.

 

She sighed and moved her head around trying to fight a sore muscle on her back from her last fight. It had been a particularly difficult rift, it took almost all of her health potions to endure it.

 

They decided to cut the trip short, and make the way back to Ferelden at a slow pace. It was clear they were not prepared to face what the beautiful place was holding. The original idea was to close all the rifts there, but it was an ambitious one.

 

"I'm bringing Solas next time, I'm sure he has a lot to say about these lands. _And_ he wouldn't pester me so much" She said, giving Bull and Varric the side eye.

 

"Don't get angry, Boss, I was just giving Varric some details for his book"

Trevelyan chuckled "Alright, but the details about my relationships are only given by me"

 

Bull seemed amused by it and shrugged a moment "You heard the boss"

 

"Oh, Inquisitor, he was about to say it!"

 

"Nope" She smiled, the memory of that small child slowly fading with every passing day. Cassandra kept giving her small glances here and there, but she was forgetting too. And everything would go back to normal.

 

They spotted a small village after two days of riding, and everyone agreed to spend some coin on the place's Inn. Well, Bull said he would sleep on the floor but the idea of seeing women changed his mind.

They asked for two rooms, one for Bull and one for everyone else. Nobody wanted to hear... Whatever was going to happen in there and he would probably need a big bed.

 

Cassandra and Varric excused themselves from the table before even touching the bread the innkeeper brought them. Varric wanted to write some letters and Cassandra went outside to see if the horses were okay. If she knew them any better she would say they were avoiding each other.  


Trevelyan's eyes wandered around to the women tending the inn. They were pretty, or as pretty as a woman can be living in a small village all of their life. She wondered if, had she been outside in the real world, she would too have wrinkles. Her hands tightened around her cup of ale... maybe she would have marks from smiling 'till crying, stretch marks on her belly from her children. Maybe she would have had her heart broken, maybe she would've been married by then. Maybe her hands wouldn't be so soft from only holding her staff.  


Kate sighed and drank half her drink, that was someone else's life. Someone else's worries.  


And she shouldn't be so moody, she liked the woman she was... right? Before her brain could answer that, she ended her drink and looked at Bull.  


"Stop staring at those women, they are surely married already"

 

"I only do what they want me to do to them, Boss. Or we could try having some fun"

 

"Thought you didn't sleep with your friends"

 

"I could make an exception" He joked, but Trevelyan noted he was... Not being serious at all. Hell, she was almost sure he wasn't going to get a girl in his room. She must have been staring because he stared right back "Boss?"

 

"Maker's balls" she whispered

 

"What? There a ghost?" he placed both hands on her shoulders and Kate wanted to laugh. Wow, everyone really thought she was losing it.

 

"No, I just can't believe Dorian has you like this"

 

Bull smirked at that and "softly" slapped her shoulder.

 

"Don't tell him, it will go to his head"

 

Trevelyan smiled and nodded, happy for her friend. It was complicated to explain why she was so fond of Dorian. They had bonded in a way she hadn't expected and... Seeing him happy was one of those good things in the middle of the horror.

 

"I won't tell, but I am sure the whole Castle knows you two... Do things"

 

"Your commander certainly knows"

 

She raised an eyebrow "Well, yeah, they play chess together"

 

Bull shook his head "Your little templar called me to his 'office'. Had some... Questions"

 

Oh. Shit. Kate made a grimace and looked at Bull almost pleading forgiveness with her eyes "He knows better than to distrust you or Dorian! Maker, I... I will talk to him when we get back. He will apologize... Was it because you are... I mean, of course it was! Maker, why are you so paranoid Cullen? He's not bad, Bull, he just... Over thinks everything, you know? "

 

Bull laughed, that soothed her a little bit but oh, Cullen had no idea what was coming for him.

 

"No, he had no such questions about my loyalty"

 

"Then what? Was he... Worried for Dorian?" Kate smiled, hoping that was the case and she didn't have to cast a storm over Cullen

 

"Nah, he knows Dorian can handle himself. Your Commander wanted to know about knots"

 

"Sorry, what?" Kate blinked trying to follow but... Yeah, no, she didn't follow. "Like... For boats?"

 

Bull was clearly finding everything amusing and it didn't help the inn was a bit crowded. Probably the only place common folk could go at that time of the night to feel alive.

 

"Your commander told me he knew how to tie a human being, he avoided the word mage but.." Bull chuckled drinking some ale, not enough to get drunk "but those type of bindings leave marks and can hurt a person. He heard from 'someone'" Dorian, they both knew it was from Dorian "that I usually tie up my partners in bed"

 

Trevelyan felt the Ale form a strong fire in her throat and she coughed, the redness on her cheeks only growing stronger

 

"So, he asked me if I could show him which knots are impossible to escape but won't hurt a fly"

 

"oh. Maker. Say no more" She buried her face on her arms, against the wooden table "I... We haven't... Talked about any of that"

 

"Hm, you shouldn't do it then. Talking is important, I never do anything without talking first. Told him that too. Not that you can't incinerate a simple rope but.. It wouldn't be right"

 

"We... Maker, Bull. Do we really need to talk about this?"

 

"Lips sealed, Boss"

 

She raised her head again and sighed, Varric was still by the inn's fire writing and Cassie was nowhere to be seen.

 

"We have been... A bit more... Rough I guess. We are seeing what we like, I guess" she repeated herself, playing with her cup. "I am...afraid that toying with this type of intimacy will make one of us hurt the other... Physically or mentally"

 

"Then you shouldn't do it"

 

"It's just that... What if I want to?" she drank the rest of her drink "But what if I want to for the wrong reasons?"

 

"don't do it." Bull marked every word "You should sleep. Thinking about him is making you sulk"

 

"I don't..." She shook her head with a small smile and poured more ale onto her cup. Yes, this was her life. Not some pretty girl from a small village...  
Bull eventually left her side, and after a while she saw Varric raise from his place near the fireplace and leave for the night. Cassandra was probably in the bedroom already, sleeping or reading one of her silly dirty novels.  


 

Had she been so lost in thought she didn't notice every one slowly leaving the inn? Kate sighed, running a hand through her face before moving her feet from under the table and to the side. She was stopped by a small child, staring right into her soul. The child was about seven or eight years old, a little girl from the village and her two... Friends? Brothers?

 

"Hello" Trevelyan said in a calm tone, sitting towards them. The little girl looked around, holding a small pouch.

 

"... Are you the lady with the hand?"

 

She smiled and nodded, taking a glove off and showing them the faint green glowing scar on her hand. They all stared wide eyed, probably the wildest thing they would ever see in that small town. Good. Normal people should lead normal lives. The little girl moved forward and touched her hand, almost making the Inquisitor cry.

 

"Does it hurt, ma'am?"

 

"No, sweetheart. It does not." She lied in a way children can't tell.

 

One of the boys, the one that seemed older was getting impatient "We gathered some coin, miss, 'cause we heard you were here, miss"

 

"Is that what you have there?" Trevelyan asked, pointing at the small bag on the little girls hands. "coin?"

 

The girl nodded and whispered "There is a monster... E'ryone says the Maker sent you... So you can help us!"

 

"What can you tell me about this monster?"

 

The older boy stared at her with his green eyes, they were the eyes of an adult and.. She wondered if he had had to grow up suddenly from this war. He didn't find her amusing nor nice, and he was bad at hiding it.

 

The other boy, she guessed the middle one, kept stealing glances to her staff.

 

"Yes, it hurt our friend" she whispered, tears filling her voice.

 

"Have you seen the monster?"

 

"We saw, miss, we saw it... It was horrible. Huge. And it made a sound..."

Kate had no idea what they were trying to explain, one of the children tried imitating the sound but it sounded like a groan to her.

 

"Okay, is your friend okay?"

 

They all looked down and the little girl clutched the little bag, making the coins tingle inside. "No, miss"

 

"Shh, shh, that's enough. Can you tell me where this happened?"

 

"Her home, miss" the boy kept talking, quickly and scared. "It's the one near the road"

 

Kate nodded and extended her hand, the children placed the small pouch and just stood there.

 

"So, one monster yes?" The Inquisitor opened the bad and took one coin "One monster, one coin, deal?" she gave them the rest back and they all stared back, wide eyed. They, with their sweet innocence, nodded quickly and scurried off into the night. A heavy weight fell on Trevelyan. If those kids were there so late at night.. They had to be orphans. She closed her eyes and got up, thought about going to bed and decided not to. They were leaving in the morning and she wanted to see if there was a specter or a terror in that house. It wouldn't be the first time.

 

She grabbed a torch without asking, the Innkeeper paused his scrubbing for a moment, mumbled something under his breath and said nothing else. Outside it was dark but quiet, the children were nowhere to be seen anymore, probably off to their home, or a... Place where they could sleep. Her hand trembled around the torch but she moved forward, looking for a house that would be already abandoned.

 

She remembered seeing the house when they arrived, small but cozy from the outside. The small garden was overgrown and unkempt. Hm, a week? Two? Trevelyan frowned and kicked the door. It flew open, nothing was holding it back and nothing jumped at her either. Weird.

 

Placing the torch on a wall she decided to hold her staff while exploring. Any sign of blood magic or a ritual could mean a 'monster' killed the woman who lived there.

 

Trevelyan knew it was a woman for the amount of home-made make up on a dresser, and the clothing.

 

"Oh, maker" She covered her mouth and nose, seeing food completely rotten on a small table. Three dishes, a nice meal. Or what had been a nice meal. She took one of the cups, a lipstick mark. Hers. She took the other one, no marks. A friend? Lover? Spouse?

 

The small kitchen was unbearable from that smell so she walked over to the bed, someone had definitely slept there. Not recently though.

Oh. Oh, no. Kate closed her eyes at the sight of dry blood on the bed and on the floor under it. The body was not there but she could see it in her mind. All that blood, nothing burned, no fight... It was all very odd and she would have to talk to the people in the morning.

 

Yes, she had found no monster there but she wasn't going to leave those poor children alone and scared. Never. Not in a million years.

 

"What are you?" she whispered lowering herself closer to the bed and trying to smell anything at all.

 

"What'cha doin 'ere?"

 

A voice startled her and she jumped, hitting her head on the nightstand. Great way to show herself as the Inquisitor.

 

"Good night, I am Inquisitor Trev-..."

 

"We kno' who you are" He said, looking up and down her body. He was part of the town's guard but his accent didn't scream Orlais. She decided not to ask, after all she _was_ trespassing.

 

"I heard there was an attack in here. Couple of weeks ago?"

 

"Aye" He said, looking tired and old. "Merjie was our healer. She was no mage but good with plants. Kids loved her. Me brother thinks a bandit did it"

 

The man had a brute way of speaking, but endearing after a couple of words. A bandit... So this had been no monster? No demon?

 

"Are you sure there was nothing... Weird in here?"

 

"Weird how?"

 

"A bottle of lyrium maybe? Something painted on the floor... Uh, dead animals?"

 

His face turned red under the torch's light.

 

"Are ya' calling poor Merjie a fucking mage? No blood magic here, nuthing. I examined the house meself"

 

Trevelyan nodded, realizing this man was her best bet to figuring out what happened to this woman she didn't know but felt weirdly connected to. Not by love or spirit but... She owed her. If she had cared for those kids, she owed her.

 

"Listen, I am sure she was a great woman and I imagine you inspected everything better than I did" always use a man's ego to get him on your side "Some kids talked to me, said their friend was hurt and wanted me to help. You see, I can't just leave. My honor wouldn't allow it"

 

"Honor, aye?" he mumbled, rubbing his short beard and then nodded. "Those young 'uns were staying with her"

 

"She took them in?"

 

"gave' em food and a place to sleep. Damn good, our Merjie"

 

"And the kids weren't here that night?"

 

He shook his head, his long dark hair could almost made him look like a fashionable noble from a different place. Almost.

 

"Nah, they were playin' by the river with the other young'ns. Got here late, said they heard something and run"

 

She couldn't blame them. Running was always a valid choice, and children... Children should be away from any sort of danger. Especially from monsters.

Trevelyan frowned, her jaw clenched, not knowing how menacing or older she looked.

 

"Trevelyan" She offered her hand, and he took it.

 

"Grant" He took the torch off the wall and walked outside, waiting for the Inquisitor to follow him. Kate gave a final look around, taking a mental note of anything out of the ordinary for later.

 

The guard walked her over to the Inn where she said she was staying, and told him - as respectfully as she could- they were going to start a thorough investigation in the morning. She didn't say that Cassandra was probably going to walk all over him and his authority or that Bull was probably the best to interrogate the children. Saying any of those things would have made Grant mad and probably uncooperative.

 

They shared a smile and she went inside to her bed. The innkeeper shot her a look, but seemed relieved when she returned the torch.

 

*

 

"Inquisitor, this is not our duty...!"

 

Trevelyan thought a thousand things to say, all of them would make Cassandra angrier or sad and it would leave both of them feeling wrong and she was tired of that feeling.

 

"We are doing this. Bull's already on the case"

 

Truth was, Bull didn't exactly look like he was 'working', he was playing with the town's children, allowing some of them to climb on his horns. At first they had been scared of him, truly terrified, but Bull was one of those people. One of those warm, nice people. And children see that. They see that before they see the horns or the eye patch. Maybe she should be more like them.

 

"Inquisitor? Inquisitor!"

 

"Cassandra" she whispered touching her shoulders "I promised those kids.. And no one knows who murdered this girl. Listen, if it's not a demon or a ghost or whatever, we can go home knowing  we got a murderer. But if it _is_ a demon and we do nothing, all these people are in danger"

 

The Seeker seemed to think about it, they both knew it was already decided before they even got the chance to argue about it. Cassandra nodded and walked over to the guard's men, trying to get information from them. A town that small was bound to give them answers soon. If the murderer was there, it would reveal himself, or herself.

 

"Grant, did she have any... Boyfriends? Girlfriends?"

 

"Nah, not that we knew of. She was pretty, like one of those... Uh, whatcha call em? That flower" He moved his hand

 

"Never mind. No one wanted to date her?"

 

"Uhm, there was a boy but he married recently."

 

"How recent?"

 

"About a month ago. He is a nice boy"

 

Kate nodded but asked for his name regardless. If he had done nothing, he had nothing to hide. And in the best scenario he could lead them to someone else.

 

 

There was no time for lunch, so she decided to go visit this former boyfriend of the girl or whatever he had been. Apparently he lived in a nice house, nothing prettier than the rest but it was tidy. His wife opened the door and made a disgusted face, moving aside without even saying a word to her. Trevelyan sighed feeling her staff's presence more than before.

 

"I am sorry to bother you, but I just want to make you both some questions"

 

The woman sneered, her arms closed while her husband nodded. He was a... Underwhelming man. He was really thin, looking frail at best and sickly at worst. His skin had probably never seen the sun long enough. Yeah, Kate was already taking him off her list of suspects.

 

"I assume you know there's been a murder"

 

"You mean that girl?" he asked, eyes wide. "We all thought it was a robbery"

 

"Yes, well, we are not so sure. Did you notice anything strange that night?"

The woman looked over at Trevelyan with hate "That whore got what all mages get. You don't go summoning demons and expect to live!"

 

"We don't think she was a mage"

 

Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out.

 

"'course she was! And a filthy whore too. Tried to seduce my Ernest before our wedding. Didn't she, honey?"

 

He looked pale and scared. Ugh, Trevelyan was going to be sick.

 

"We shouldn't speak ill of the dead, my darling"

 

Alright. Enough.

 

Kate looked at both of them "If any of you remember anything, talk to me. This is about a young girl's life. Not about your marriages, or your feelings about mages"

 

She stormed off before any of them could get a chance to say something to her. They were a clear reminder of why she would never be happy in a small town. Doing what? Pushing babies and tending a garden? She kicked a bucket, throwing it a couple feet away and startling a couple of passer bys.

The anger bubbled inside of her, like a tiger trying to rip through her skin and her self-control.

 

But she couldn't explode close to them. She just couldn't. So she swallowed hard, fisted her hands and walked towards Varric.

 

"Hey"

 

"Hm, those witnesses weren't nice?"

 

"understatement of the age?"

 

Varric chuckled and rubbed her back, bringing her back to where they were, to who she was. Inquisitor. Herald. Friend. Woman. Mage. But a good mage, not a blood mage. A controlled mage. A lover too, sometimes. But only with 'him', with Cullen.

 

"I'll help you find the truth, c'mon, let's think this through" He said, pointing at a piece of paper he clearly carried around "Writing it all down helps"

 

To say that Varric was extremely annoyed by this would be an understatement. Yes, he wrote about murder mysteries but, like he told Kate, "those are fantasy, there is a dead girl here, Inquisitor!". He seemed truly alarmed, and... She valued his humanity more than ever. She would need him to keep her grounded.

 

 

*

 

Varric spread the paper over one of the tables at the inn's dining room and stared at it. They spent the next hour writing everything Trevelyan had figured out about the case, and once it was all there, she realized it hadn't made anything clearer.

 

"This is pointless"

 

"Could be" He mumbled.

 

"She was young, single, lived alone. Nothing was stolen so I know it wasn't a bandit. Besides, she had a meal on her table. Two cups, three plates. Fancy I think. It was all rotten but it looked fancy"

 

"Something special?"

 

Kate half nodded, staring at her short list of suspects. "I don't think that ex boyfriend has anything to do with this. He is so..." she moved a hand "weak"

The dwarf shrugged "Sometimes it's the one you least expect"

She smiled and rested her head on the table, softly closing her eyes for a moment. The body had been burnt already, the house had no clues...

 

"The body"

 

"What about it?" oh, Varric hated the sound of that, she could tell.

 

"Someone had to examine it, right? The body is gone but maybe they can share what they saw. If there were claw marks, or burn marks or anything at all"

 

*

 

"Thank you so much for taking the time to talk to me" Trevelyan said at the coroner, looking around the place he had. It was a small room with a table for his... _things._ He had no corpse on the operating table, and it wasn't surprising it being such a small town.  


"I have nothing else to do, clearly" He was one of those people that always seemed to be annoyed about something. Trevelyan wasn't quite sure what it was.  


"Was anything weird or unusual on the girl's body?"  


"Aye. I tried to tell Grant, but he was too sad to hear me."  


"Was he involved with her?"  


There was a long pause between them and the coroner nodded, sighing "Grant wanted to woo the poor girl, I think he was getting somewhere. I just... I know he was the first one at her place, but I can swear on the Maker and his bride that he didn't do this"  


Kate felt sick, as if someone had punched her stomach because she wasn't so sure.  


"Why do you say that?"  


"I known him since he was a little kid, always nice with the ladies"  


Ugh. Trevelyan crossed her arms and walked around the place, touching softly a couple of books. She so longed to rest for a while and be able to...read. Something unrelated to the fate of the world, please.  


"If they were dating and everything was going well, I guess I can see why there would be no motive" Kate nodded, but still felt uneasy. What if she had put her trust in the wrong person? She started to feel like an idiot, when the coroner started talking again.  


"The attacker took the poor girls' womb out. To do something like that you have to know something about the human body, miss" The Coroner took off his glasses. "I am afraid Grant can barely read or write his own name"  


Trevelyan turned around, pale.  


"What did you just say...?"  


"That he doesn't really-"  


"No, about her. He took...?" Trevelyan nodded, trying not to look as disturbed as she felt.  


"Yes. That's why I know it was murder. Nobody wanted to listen to me. Small town, makes people uneasy"  


"I can see that"  


Rage. Pure rage was pouring from the Inquisitor's heart and she had no idea how to stop it.  


*

 

Trevelyan left the coroner's house with a heavy weight on her chest. Most of the houses were close to one another but she made sure to spend way too much time on her way back to the inn.

 

She had bitten her own lower lip hard enough to make it bleed, she had hardly noticed doing it.

 

"Can I talk to you, sweetheart?" she whispered, kneeling in front of the older boy from the inn. He stared at her, away from the other children. Everyone was playing and making lots of noise.

 

He nodded, fidgeting.

 

"What happened to your friend... You know it was no demon, don't you?"

 

The child nodded again, his cheeks red and his eyes on the ground now.

 

"Hey" she whispered and placed a couple of fingers on his chin "you are not in trouble"

 

His lip trembled and she realized he didn't want to cry, probably not in front of other children his age.

 

"Come on, come here" She got up and walked away from the sight of everyone, and looked at him. "What happened, **exactly**?"

 

"Miss had a date, she asked us to go fetch some herbs... She wanted us to be away for a couple hours..."

 

"But you came back early?"

 

"Me and Sam, I told him she was going to... We..."

 

Trevelyan touched his shoulder "It's okay. You wanted to spy on them?"

 

The kid started sobbing, and hugged her. Kate put her arms around him but didn't know what to do, or what to say. She barely know the kid, and she had... An idea of what he had seen. But what that could do to a young mind she didn't know.

 

"We all want to see how a kiss looks when we are young" she soothed, caressing his hair. He shook his head violently "Did you saw him?"

 

No answer.

 

"You saw what he did to her"

 

One nod, quiet sobs damping her robe.

"If you tell me who it was, I can put an end to this"

 

Even if it broke her heart, she pulled away, staring down at him. This young boy was an eyewitness and the only real evidence she had.

 

After going to the coroner and realizing the killer had been a man, made of flesh and bone, she knew the children knew a lot more. Regardless, the children had been right. Only a monster could've done something like that.

 

"I didn't see his face... It was dark and Lily came running to us and I was afraid something might happen to her so we... We ran away, told her a monster... A monster..."

 

"It's okay, no one will hurt you. I promise"

 

The kid looked around and then made her lean down to whisper a name on her ear. Bile rose from within her and made her mouth sour.

 

"You are a brave boy"

 

Trevelyan got up and pulled him with her, a bit more harshly than she would have liked but... She had to fix all of this.

 

"Cassandra, take him, Lily and the other boy to my room and stay with them. Do _not_ leave them. Understood?"

 

"Yes, Inquisitor"

 

Cassandra looked at the kid completely... Lost but decided to treat them like any victim or witness. She gathered the three children and pulled them all into the inn.

 

"Boss, you alright?" Bull grabbed his sword but she made a simple 'stand down' gesture.

 

Kate walked right towards a small group of Soldiers and yanked Grant's arm

 

"Where's that motherfucker?" she groaned, squeezing his arm.

 

He gave her a confused look, but before he could say anything she explained

 

"Ernest, that fucker, where is he?!"

 

"I thought you said he didn't do it?"

 

"Changed my mind. Where is he."

 

"I... Uh.."

 

One of the guards looked at them "He is up by his family's house. His mother died so there's a lot of... You won't think he did it? Known 'im all my life. Useless coward he is"

 

Trevelyan had no time to explain how murder was more an act of a coward than that of a brave man. She felt the magic bubbling inside, and she had decided to do this alone. Cassandra was caring for the children, Bull would never distrust her ability to stay alive and Varric didn't even know what path she was on.

 

If she could go back in time, maybe she wouldn't have gone alone.

 

 

The soldiers looked as she took her horse and rode away from the small village, they had instructed her that the house was about an hour on horse and there was no way of missing it.

 

And they had been right. The house was big, not an estate but it was enough to show that family had had money in the past.

 

Trevelyan jumped down her horse and tied it up to a tree before going inside.

As beautiful as the outside was, the inside was in complete disarray. Dust lay over every single piece of furniture. Spiders all around... The paintings were crooked on the walls and the ceiling was starting to fall apart. Surely a couple more storms would make the house a living hell.

 

"Show yourself! I know you are here"

 

Trevelyan was a good mage, and an excellent one in battle there was no doubt about that. She was fairly good at sensing demons approach her, but humans? Humans were something she didn't quite understood. Not always.

Maybe there was no one in that house, and maybe the kid was wrong and he hadn't seen Ernest's tattoo on the back of the murderer. Maybe it had been a demon, maybe the world wasn't so ugly and maybe women could lead normal lives without some fucker-

 

Trevelyan couldn't really scream, a soft sound filled the room when the wood hit the back of her skull, making her fall forward. Her knees hit wood and she could barely stop her face from the same fate with her hands. Splinters found their way into her flesh, but she moved forward, trying to find her staff through water filled eyes.

 

Her attacker was faster, punching her side and then her back, making her chest press against the wood while the whole world was blurry. Her hands started to burn, trying to concentrate her magic but drawing from it felt way too exhausting. Like bleeding to death. Maker, was she dying?

 

"C-c.." blood on her mouth. Was that her lip or was she really that hurt?

She was pulled up and everything went black.

 

*

 

Kate opened her eyes, felt the back of her head throb and remembered the punch. Her eyes focused almost immediately and for a split second she thought she was no longer in that house. The room was lit and there was a beautiful fireplace near her.

 

She tried to move, but her hands were firmly tied behind the chair. Someone had taken her robe off, leaving her only with her undergarments. Her staff was nowhere to be seen and... She feared for it. What if it was in the fireplace?

Alright, she tried to create fire with her hands to burn the ropes but the blow had left her weakened and... Was she drugged?  


She shook her head, trying to clear the fog that seemed to be surrounding her abilities.

 

"Don't worry, I haven't touched you if that's a concern of yours" The attacker said, bringing a chair and sitting in front of her "Although I hear Ferelden women don't really mind. Savages, all of you. Actually, heard really interesting things from _your_ soldiers" He touched the side of his nose.

 

Kate showed her teeth, lunging forward but feeling the rope around her chest. She hadn't noticed that one, really.

 

"Little Merjie was nothing like you... So sweet" He moved close to her, touching one of her knees. Trevelyan quickly moved it upward, trying to keep him away. "And she tasted..." He sighed with a smile "I loved running my blade through her. But I must say, I never thought I would get to kill a mage"

 

"You wish" She whispered, her voice hoarse and tired but not yet defeated. He wasn't going to scare her with the promise of what? Death? Rape? She had lived in a tower surrounded by templars. She had lived with those two threats looming in the distance. She was not afraid.

 

"You know" Kate started when he moved towards a small table to pick a knife. She could see a couple daggers and.. Other torture tools. So he had a whole night planned. Cute. "I ruled you out immediately" Trevelyan laughed, pain stabbing her sides "For being weak and a coward... Should've realized only men like that do what you did"

 

Ernest looked furious at that and she realized he was also childish, a brat. And maybe taunting him had not been the best idea, but her hands were working as quickly as they could to free themselves.

 

"I will so enjoy cutting you piece by piece till you ask me to kill you"

 

"You won't get that satisfaction"

 

He sneered and sliced her cheek, smiling as the red liquid started running through her face. Kate repressed a scream and didn't allow the blood to scare her, she knew cuts on the face bled a lot, even minor ones.

 

"Or maybe I shouldn't kill you at all" He said, using the tip of the knife to make a way all the way down her neck to her lower belly. Trevelyan felt her breathing come to a halt for a couple of seconds. The ropes almost lose enough. She looked down, the blade pressed barely under her bellybutton

 

"Are you going to stab me?"

 

"Stab you?" he laughed "Tell me, is it true? I was at the inn when you arrived, nobody noticed me, of course. _No one_ ever does" he groaned, the tip of his blade drawing a bit of blood from her skin "Your friends talked about you... About how _crazy_ you are" He laughed and she felt a strong pain on her chest. Maybe her friends were right. "but they think you are not insane... But _pregnant_ " He moved the blade over her belly and she frowned looking down at her flat stomach.

 

"I am not"

 

"Are you sure?"

 

She looked at him and pursed her lips. Trevelyan knew she was due to bleed any day now, and it wasn't like she was... Vomiting or anything.

 

"I am"

 

"Hm, then maybe we should make sure you stay that way" He smirked "I am sure the coroner told you what I took"

 

The Inquisitor swallowed, that was something she would have wished not knowing. But in that moment, there, tied up and with a knife to her she saw everything clearly.

 

"You got her pregnant. You were his lover, and she was going to leave you... No. _No_ , it's better" he pressed the knife tighter but she didn't flinch "You liked her but she never did. She never even knew you existed... And when she started dating someone else." And suddenly something clicked, and rage burned through her again "Three dinner plates. She was... going to tell someone she was pregnant. It wasn't you, it wasn't yours. Of course it wasn't yours. Who could love you?"

 

Trevelyan laughed at his attacker, making him slap her hard. Wow, he really was weak.

 

"She said no to you and you... You..." her laughter died and she felt like she wanted to cry. Not out fear but out of sorrow for that woman who had never harmed anyone, who was not a mage, who took three orphaned children without hesitation...

 

"You grew mad with jealousy... You weak piece of shit!"

 

"That's ENOUGH" He was breathing quickly and erratically, probably didn't think he would have to kill twice "Enough. We will do this in a civilized fashion"

 

"We will" Kate whispered, her hands free behind her back and quickly undoing the ones around her chest. "You should've tied my feet as well, _rat_ "

 

Ernest groaned and grabbed a sword that was clearly too weak for his arm. Good. _And_ bad, because she had no staff and her magic wouldn't be strong enough without something to channel it.

 

"I am going to kill you, Inquisitor."

 

"Step back" she quickly took a dagger from one of the tables. He had clearly planned to torture her for a long time. Did he think no one would go looking for her? "Right now"

 

"I think sword wins over little knife, bitch"

 

He lunged forward.  


The Inquisitor dodged the attack, assuming her usual fighting stance and trying to glace around to find her staff. She needed it, especially feeling as weak as she did. She breathed quickly, managing to create a small fireball that burned his shirt. He screamed like the coward he was. Trevelyan took those moments to run towards her discarded robe.  


_Lyrium, Lyrium..._ She whispered, hands trembling trying to find her vials to regain some strength. There was nothing there. She felt tears rise to her throat but her fist held onto the dagger for dear life. If she only had that to fight then... she would give him hell. She had seen Cole so many times...  


Once the flames stopped burning his shirt, he gave her a murderous look and for a small moment he looked stronger than he was. Or maybe that was just her scared mind. Why was she scared? Corypheus had almost killed her next to a _dragon,_ but oh no, _this_ had to make her afraid?  


"Don't worry, dear" he groaned "I gave you a real nice tranquilizer. Really surprising how you are holding up. But well, you are a savage after all"  


"I will kill you"  


"Will you?"  


He made a practice swing towards her and she dodged again, but this time losing focus and seeing everything as blurry as if he had hit her head again.

 

Shit.  


And he was having _fun._ That was the only reason he hadn't killed her already. He was having fun, playing with her as if she was an animal. Kate opened her eyes again, trying not to give in to whatever it was he had given her. Her knees felt weak and she held onto the wooden wall staring at him. Ernest was moving towards her with the sword firmly on his hand. It was too big and heavy for him, but something doesn't need to be right to kill you.  

 

Trevelyan understood something in that moment, right while she tried to conjure a spell only getting a strong headache. She understood that if you push a mage long enough, if you corner a mage between certain death and blood magic, the choice becomes very simple.

 

Kate kept dodging his attacks, holding onto the wall for dear life because if she fell asleep, if she fell to the ground she was dead. Some of his stabs she couldn't avoid and her thighs were soaked in blood. She wasn't sure from where anymore.

 

"You leave me no choice!" she screamed, almost begging him to stop thrashing around. Oh, she wanted to kill him. She had desired that since going to that woman's house. Hell, she probably knew she was not going to show mercy after realizing the children had seen something no kid should ever see.

 

Trevelyan would want to say her hand trembled, that she doubted in those moments, that her sense of honor and duty paralyzed her but... None of that happened. The small blade went right through the palm of her hand, blood spilling to create the most powerful magic she had ever felt. Something inside of her felt released, like the feeling right after picking a lock, or right after having a good orgasm.

 

Her magic sent him flying against one of the walls, blade falling with a loud bang on the wood.

 

"No, no, please. Please don't kill me" he begged when he realized she had the sword, and was toying with it in her hand. "Please, please... It was all an accident"

 

"Did you learn your begging from her?" She asked, moving closer to him "As the leader of the Inquisition, I declare you guilty of murder. I was hired to get rid of a monster. And I will do so"

 

It wasn't the first time she had killed someone. But it was the first time it felt good.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed! If you can, please leave a comment, they really keep me going :)
> 
> PS: I made a Playlist a long time ago for this, if any of you are interested let me know and I'll put the list in the next chapter


	5. Chapter 5

She woke up startled, running from a nightmare with the taste of the night before still on her lips. Cassandra rushed to her side, smiling and touching her hand. How come she was in bed? Last thing she remembered was passing out outside the house, sword still in hand. The smell of blood still on her nose. And the memory of what she had done. Blood magic was forbidden, was wrong. Some people could argue it was of use, but when it was used to kill... She swallowed, hoping no one knew.   


"Thank the Maker... We were getting worried. How do you feel?"

  
"Great" her voice was hoarse and weak, letting everyone know that no, she was not great. "Hurts a bit..." Trevelyan removed the covers and saw the bandages on her body, along with rope marks and bruises. "Hurts less than I thought it would" she admitted, looking back at the other woman. "Did you find me?"  


"We followed the smoke"  


Trevelyan frowned "What smoke...?"  


"The house, it burned down. We couldn't find your staff, Inquisitor, I am sorry"  


"How did it burn down?"  


Cassandra frowned at that. "Grant says the house was in a pretty bad state and the fireplace surely started the fire"  


"Was I burned?" she didn't really care about that, but knowing your wounds was important in battle. Almost as important as knowing your enemy.  


"No, you were outside, passed out. You slept a whole day, apparently he dosed you with horse tranquilizer"  


"Yeah... Made me feel weak" she groaned and didn't try to sit "He killed her... Because... Bec-"  


"It's okay, Inquisitor... You got him, it is okay"  


She nodded, staring right into her friends' eyes and hiding the biggest secret she had. Trevelyan looked down at her hand, a bandage over the self inflicted wound. It had felt so good, extremely so. And that little voice on her head whispered again: _what if this is what you need to get an edge over Corypheus? What if this is a sign?_  
  


She closed her hand in a fist, tightly, causing a jolt of pain to run through her whole body.  


"We got you a carriage, that way we will be back at Skyhold soon and you will get the rest you need"

  
"I will ride. On my horse."

  
"Inquisitor..."

  
"You would want the same thing, Cassandra, please"

  
The Seeker nodded, a soft smile tugging at her lips "Rest, Inquisitor. I will make preparations"

  
She didn't need to say it twice. Rest. Maker, she wanted some rest.

 

 

***

 

Cullen was used to reading reports of all kind. Cassandra's were short and to the point, he liked that about her. They were both trained soldiers and knew what was important and what not. Sera rarely made one, and when she did it made no sense at all.  


Varric was a pain because he described everything, from the way the wind blew to the soft blush a girl got after hearing a compliment from the Inquisitor. Thankfully Trevelyan had stopped flirting a lot after they started... What they started.  


Hers were the ones he loved reading the most. She had never written a report and it showed at first but the content was still good and Cullen felt like he was staring inside her head. Sometimes he would save up her reports until she was off to some other mission, to feel her close.

He frowned to the two different reports in front of him, and scrubbed his face with one callused hand.  


In Trevelyan's report she talked about the rifts they closed, their locations, type of monsters they faced, places they visited, money spent. And almost like an afterthought something about "helping villagers with a criminal". On Cassandra's report it explained extensively what that meant. It explained the case, why Trevelyan took it and how it ended. It also added a list of her wounds.  


How would he tackle this? She didn't want him to know, but she... She had to realize he was going to find out anyway. Maybe she hadn't write it because she couldn't bear to remember it.  


Cullen sighed, wanting to speak to her but she had been in a foul mood and no one dared go near. He had decided to respect her desire to be left alone. Well, not at first. He ran like a young maiden to the gates when they arrived, hoping to see her again, hold her in his arms...

  
She was the first thing he saw, on top of her horse and even though she had her robe on, Cullen could see she was hurt. Trevelyan had deep dark, almost purple eye bags. Her skin was pale and one of her hands clutched her side. Something had touched her, maybe a bear or a bandit. He tried to help her get off the horse but she slapped his hand away, and then left to her chambers.

  
It didn't hurt at the time, Cullen knew she had to show strength especially in front of her soldiers. She was a symbol. What would they think if they saw her be carried by their commander?  


And so, Cullen had respected her desire for space, but after two days he was starting to lose focus and sleep over her. What if she was truly hurt? Trevelyan had locked herself in her chambers only allowing in a couple of servants. He was going mad with worry.  


And now the reports, clearly showing what had happened to her. Not in detail, because apparently everyone had _left_  the Inquisitor to go into danger _alone_. But it was clear she had faced a dangerous man on her own, getting hurt in the process.  


It was late but he couldn't cope anymore. His hands twitched at his sides, his mouth was dry and his mind was focused only on her... He needed to know.  


Cullen moved away from his desk and opened his door to feel the cold night hair. If his bravery lasted long enough, he would go straight to her bedroom and wouldn't move until she responded.  


He didn't need to do any of that. Right there outside his door stood Trevelyan, using a long dark cloak that concealed almost all of her shape.  


"Hey..." She whispered, without pulling down her hood. Cullen could see the dark deep shadows under her eyes and how her skin looked pale.  


"Come here" Cullen softly brought her inside, closing the door and embracing her soft body. She winced when his armor pressed against her skin. "Sorry... I can take it off" He moved away, watching carefully as she took off her cloak.  


"Can I sleep here?" She was wearing a simple white nightgown, her long brown hair falling over her shoulders. He wondered if she had looked like this back at the Circle. A simple girl, high born yes, but just like everyone else inside that Tower: a prisoner.  


He nodded, and took her hand "Can you climb the stairs? I can carry you if you can't..."  


Trevelyan looked at the stairs and frowned "Turn around" she whispered, hugged his neck and jumped on his back to allow him to do the climbing.  


Usually she was full of pride and would never have allowed something like this - hell, she would have made it a challenge somehow. But now she felt so... Fragile.  


Cullen climbed up the stairs with her, and softly helped her onto the mattress on the floor that was his bed. With a hole over their heads it was clear he didn't have the commodities she did. But it was good for his withdrawals.  


"Sorry about.." she trailed off while Cullen got rid of his armor.  


"It's okay" he whispered, resting next to her only in his underpants. "Come here"  


She moved quickly, pressing her body against his chest and a soft moan escaped her lips.  


"You have no idea how much I... Needed this" she whispered, her eyes closed. Cullen was sure she was sent by the Maker, no one could be this beautiful... He used the back of one of his hands to caress her cheek, an old bruise starting to fade. Someone had hurt her, punched her, and he wanted to kill whoever had done so.  


"I was worried about you... No one would say anything to me about what happened"  


She shivered, and Cullen quickly pulled some blankets over her, keeping them pressed together.

  
"Just a bandit"

  
"Trevelyan..."  


"Just a murderer"  


"Thank the Maker you are alive" he whispered, kissing her hair twice.   
  
Yes, of course he wanted to tell her not to go alone after a battle, and he wanted to know exactly what had happened... But later. That could wait. He had his whole world inside his arms and for a moment everything was still and perfect.  


He closed his eyes, carefully listening to Trevelyan's breathing, how it went calm and slow after a while. Slowly he allowed himself to drift into sleep, keeping her pressed closely against his body, covered with his blankets while he had none. The cold mountain air around Skyhold made the pain go away at times, he needed it.  


"Are you asleep?"  


Her voice brought him back, opening his eyes and blinking a couple times. The small alcove was lit by the light coming from under them, he had forgotten to blow out the candles by his desk.  


"No. Not yet"  


She looked up at him and smiled, making the yellow bruise on her cheek more noticeable. Cullen touched her chin, kissing her lips once, twice, three soft times.  


"Sorry about... I needed to think"  


"I understand. I read Cassandra's report" Cullen had also talked to Dorian who was extremely worried for her, almost as much as him. The mage had his details from Bull and had no problem sharing them with Cullen. "I... Some cases are harder than others. There is no shame in being distraught"  


Kate frowned, seeming more like herself. "I was _out_ of it, Cullen. Since the moment we arrived there. I... Maker, I have no idea why. But then.. Then I saw a mother and a child, dead. Half their bodies burnt."

  
Cullen swallowed hard, his mouth dry. He had been in battlefields but seeing a corpse was never a pleasant sight. And it was worse when it was innocent people.

  
"I am sorry"

  
"And then - AND _then_ Cassandra asked me something stupid and I couldn't get it out of my head, and then those children..."

  
"I do not follow" he whispered, not wanting to interrupt her but fully lost.  


"She asked if I was pregnant"   
  
Cullen felt his mouth dry, his whole body falling as if there were no floor under him. "Wh-wh...?"  


"I was not. Am not. But it got in my head. I was a bit late with my bleeding, nothing new, but first time that happened since we..." she trailed off, not really looking at him "And I started considering it. And it drove me insane. And then those sweet children asked for my help and I... I-..."  


He held her closer, trying to regain any sense of composure, but his whole body was in another world entirely. She had spoken words he never imagined hearing from... any woman involved with him. Of course he had heard she wasn't actually... With child, but the whole notion did something to him.  


"Wouldn't you... That was... Why did...?"  


"Cullen, breathe. I am not pregnant and if I were, I would be seeking help to get rid of it."  


He tensed up, his arms almost leaving her body and his eyes found hers. "You would?" disappointment filled his voice but... He was not surprised. What woman could want his children?  


"In this war? With Corypheus out there and this target on my hand? Yes." He nodded. "Cullen..."

  
They stared at each other, both with their heads somewhere way different.

  
"And then you helped that woman, no?"

  
Trevelyan pursed her lips, staring at him for the longest of times before nodding. "I couldn't help her. She was already dead"  
  
"You gave her peace, Trevelyan" He whispered, fingers brushing her shoulder, trying not to touch one of her wounds.  


She seemed incredibly unsatisfied by his response, so she said nothing and closed her eyes finding a soft spot on the Commander's chest to rest her head.  


"Inquisitor?"  


"Hm?"  


"I would... If you were with child... I would be happy" she didn't move. "It's not the time, I agree. But..." She looked up at him, light-purple eyes curious "I'll promise to be more careful in the future"  


"Thank you"  


Silence fell between them, but she didn't leave nor stopped cuddling him. There was a long pause in which Cullen wondered if the Inquisitor had fallen asleep from exhaustion, but then she stirred, yawning.  


"That's not all" She said "I was... It wasn't _just that_ worrying me, Cullen. I felt... I-" The break in her voice made his heart hurt, so he hugged her tighter, kissing the top of her head.  


"Rest, Inquisitor... I'm here"

  
"I'm sorry... I'm so sorry" She moved her hands, clutching onto his shoulders even tighter. Cullen wanted to erase all of her pain, but truth was he didn't know the extent of what had happened. And the commander was not dumb, he could see she was hiding something. There was a sadness he hadn't seen before.  


"Inquisitor..."

  
"Kiss me" She begged, eyes closed and lips parted "Kiss me"

  
"Trevelyan" he whispered, their lips touching very softly, somehow it didn't feel right to kiss her in this state  


"Shh... Please. Just touch me" She grabbed his hands, placing them against her chest and pressing "Touch me" There were tears coming from his eyes, and Cullen was definitely not in the mood for sex.  


"No. Come here" He moved, carefully but firmly and hugged her against his chest "Rest, Inquisitor... I will be here"  


She sobbed very softly, making almost no sound, her eyes were closed and her hands fisted. Maker, what had happened? He would have to speak to Cassandra as soon as possible.  


***

 

Trevelyan knew she couldn't speak the truth to Cullen, not with what had happened to him all those years ago. And not with him _still_ being a Templar, deep down. Her mind went straight to Dorian, but after knowing what she knew about him and his Father she simply couldn't risk losing him.

 

Cassandra was not a good choice either, her faith was stronger than any friendship and Trevelyan saw how she reacted to Cole. The rest? She wanted to trust Bull, but this was something his Qunari friends might not see with good eyes.

 

She was still recovering, but in pretty good shape to go see one of the few people that could help her with this without locking her away in some Tower or something.

 

Besides, she told herself that if everything went wrong she would go to Cassandra with one final request. One that she did not dare think too much.

 

"Solas?" She asked, peeking inside his space. He was nice with her, and something about his presence calmed her.   


"Inquisitor?"

  
"Do you have a moment?"

  
He stared at her for a couple seconds before nodding and leaving the place by his desk. They couldn't talk there, not within earshot of Dorian and Leliana. So she guided him to the empty Inquisition cells and ordered the guard that was stationed there to go somewhere else. It was the best place to be alone and away from eavesdroppers.

  
She knew she had to be careful when discussing blood magic.

  
"Something happened during the last mission. Surely you have heard"

  
"Yes. Are you alright, Inquisitor? If you require healing magic, we are equipped with..."

  
"No, Solas" She sighed and pressed her back to one of the stone walls. It felt extremely cold even through all of her leather. "I am recovering well, thank you. What I meant to tell you is..." She looked down, why not live with the secret?

  
She opened her hand, the one without the anchor and made a fist with it. Trevelyan could be able to live with the secret if there wasn't a real need to go back to it, to use it again, to be more powerful, to be more. In her head, she told herself it was to destroy Corypheus, only for that. But deep down she wasn't sure.

  
"Solas, I used blood magic"

  
"Oh" He frowned for a moment "You tell me this as if you had done something terrible. Magic is magic, Inquisitor, I thought we had discussed this"

  
She looked at him, and nodded "I want you to teach me"

  
"I have not learned enough about that type of magic in my lifetime..." He paused, his words dragging "But I could tutor you, yes"

  
It was a relief, knowing she had someone to teach and guide her, but a weird satisfaction moved inside her chest. If Cullen found out about this, he... She didn't want to know what he would do.

  
"Solas, no one can know about this"  
  
"It will be a shared secret, Inquisitor" He half-nodded, touching her shoulder with a hand. There was something in the way he looked at her, something that unsettled her but... she was too long lost right then and there. She needed guidance, and he seemed the only one capable of providing it. Besides, she trusted him. What was the worst that could happen?

  
"Thank you, Solas. You are a... a good friend" She said, her words breaking mid-sentence. What would she do without any of them?

Perhaps she should accept Josephine's suggestion of not going out again and going directly to Orlais. Celene's Ball was approaching and it would be wise to save her strengths for it. They didn't know what would happen there.

  
And there was the small _thing_ with the Wardens. She needed to be strong, otherwise, who else would carry the weight she carried?

 

Trevelyan knew Solas would help her. He had to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the delay! College was brutal this year and I kind of got lost in something else I'm writing, but I'm back (if you'll have me, haha!)  
> Hope you liked it x)

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I'll be updating soon-ish, I'm in med school and it gets really exhausting, but I've found that writing on my way there it's extremely productive.
> 
> Ps: I'm sorry for any errors, English is not my first language!


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